Good question

Someone asked me the other day:

-"How long have you been a Christian?"
-"Well, forever... I was raised Catholic..."

I was just a little lost...

EED

Faith vs. Reason

One of the homework questions for the next Knowing the Voice of the Lord class is to define the difference between faith and reason. There are tons and tons of books written on the subject… and I don’t think I have the time (or desire) to read each one of them. Instead, I am going to use the example of the most recent (rather important) decision I have made. I actually made it today, so it is still fresh. I will use MY understanding of both faith and reason to explain my thought process.

It all started when I received the weekly church newsletter a few weeks ago, with the following announcement:

“We have been making preparations for a New Orleans Mission Trip, and we finally have some details available. We are planning to go to New Orleans July 19-31 [NOTE: dates were later changed to July 26-August 9]. This means we need people up who are able to go and work, and we also are asking for monetary donations to supply materials. Maybe you cannot go to New Orleans, but you would like to help financially so we can purchase materials.
As we help Beulah Land Baptist Church rebuild, we will be making a big difference in the spiritual climate of New Orleans. If you would like more details about this trip, are interested in going to New Orleans, and/or would like to make a donation please contact…”

REASON: I start doing the math, and realize that I probably will not be able to help financially. I have so many things going on, so many things I need to prepare for. Besides, I have already made other financial commitments that I don’t think I can get out of. As far going down to New Orleans, same issue, how am I going to pay for transportation, sleeping arrangements and stuff like that???

FAITH: I start weeping right then and there in front of my computer at work. Not sure why… I need to figure something out.

I get home and talk to my sister about it. I tell her that I need to find a way to help, somehow. The conversation then turns into: “Why do YOU have to do it?”

REASON: Why indeed? I am sure there are lots of volunteers who probably are more able to help financially, or any other way. I don’t have to feel guilty about not being able to help; I would if I could…

FAITH: I don’t want to do this out of guilt! It just feels like the right thing to do… I can’t possibly explain it. I need to figure something out.

After weeks of praying, and working with numbers, I decide to go to the informational meeting for the mission trip. I also realize that my last day at my current place of employment is less than a week before the start of the trip.

REASON: It’s probably a coincidence. You have to watch your spending…

FAITH: Coincidence? Really? I doubt it… If this is a coincidence, then my life the past few months has just been a continuous series of coincidences...

I get to the meeting today (after a rather interesting series of events AND a free lunch from the Cheesecake Factory! YUM!), I sit down, and GH talks about the details of the trip.

REASON: Hmmm… It doesn’t sound as expensive as I first thought… It’s actually doable. I might be able to go down there for a week. I need to check this out…

FAITH: I am weeping during the entire meeting… Actually weeping! This guy across from me is looking at me, probably thinking: “Great!!! Just what we need…a crybaby!” I need to add here, that I VERY rarely cry in public.

After the meeting, I walk up to GH and sign up on the spot! Does it make sense? Actually, I don’t think it’s supposed to. By the way, what did GH mean when he talked about hanging dry wall? Just kidding!

I am SO exited!!!!

EED

My baby brother

Well, not baby anymore.. He is sixteen now, and just graduated high school today!!! I am so proud of him!

I remember the day he was born… I was ten, and I was so exited to have another brother. My dad decided that my brother and I couldn't go to the hospital because we hadn't finished our homework... When my sister came back from the hospital, I asked her what he looked like, she said:

-"Ses cheuveux sont tous boucles!! Et, il est tellement clair!! " ("He has curly hair!! And he is light skinned!!").

This became our favorite joke for a long time.. she still doesn't find it funny! I just asked her-lol

He used to make me carry him everywhere we went, until he turned about 5-6. I reminded him of that a couple of weeks ago, and he said that he didn't remember it, which made me kind of sad... From a young age, he was the ultimate daredevil, and weird things kept happening to him. He broke his front teeth (TWICE), got seriously burned with hot water, was poisoned by accident, got run over by a cab… All this happened before he was ten years old!

And then, all of us older siblings, started leaving one by one. Before long it was just him, mom and dad. He started hanging out with a bad crowd, and making some poor decisions...He still has a few issues, but he is doing much better now! He hasn't really decided where he wants to go to college yet. I know that he really wants to be here, with us. At the same time, he was offered a pretty generous scholarship in France...

I will pray for him to make the right decision, and will try to guide him as much as I can. SO PROUD!!!

EED

Elom reflects on Scott's reflections: Resentful?

I don’t think I harbor a lot of resentment towards others. Not because I am perfect, and all my friends are perfect. It is mainly from personal experience.

I realized at a very young age that we are all humans and we all make mistakes, even (especially?) the people I looked up to. (Humm... I almost detect disappointment in this last comment, but this topic is for next week's podcast) If anything, I am guilty of being a little too forgiving sometimes towards some people, which can also be a problem in itself.

Does it mean that I don’t set expectations for myself, or the people around me? No. I think it just means that I try to be careful when I actually set these expectations.

The resentment I DO feel towards a few people in my life is centered on the same issue: trust. I have to admit that I do carry some sort of resentment towards a few people who have made it hard for me trust again. I am working on this though. I promise!

"Who can say, "I have cleansed my heart, I am pure from my sin"?" Proverbs 20:9

I can't... I am still in progress...

I've tried to look back at the recent years, and think of who could be harboring resentment against me... (I know it sounds hard to believe, because I am soooo sweet!-lol). I can think of a few people. I have had to completely break a few ties with some people from my past, mostly to save my own sanity; but looking back, I could have done it more gracefully. I am not sure how I feel about "making things right" with a few people, knowing that it could possibly open the door to some questionable lifestyle and negative thoughts... Need to ponder more on that...

As I work on each of these emotions (being overwhelmed, depressed, resentful...), I can actually feel God's hand touching my heart a little more each day, making it softer and less troubled. This is probably a good time to quote the one of the theme verses for this series:

"Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and also trust in me." John 14:1

It feels good!

EED

New favorite song

"Lost?" by Coldplay

I just bought the new Coldplay album, and I have to say that I was not really impressed at first. Good news is, the songs kind of grew on me. I love the lyrics to this one... Again, just like in "Viva la Vida", there is no real ending to this story..I can make my own ending!

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one
And you'll be lost

Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off

Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing starts
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off…

Vineyard Kidz

I love working with the kids!

On Sundays, between approx 11:00 and 12:30 is the time I get to be a kid again!

I work with 4-5 year-olds, and I think a few of them already figured out that all they have to do is look at me with sad eyes, and a sad face to get whatever they want. The message we try to teach them is very simple, and very true: God loves them.

Plus, it feels great to know that their parents can enjoy the service knowing that their little ones are taken care of!

EED

Surreal experience

Interesting week end...

They showed my testimony video at church. I was kind of prepared for it, but not really... I am not sure if it makes sense. I felt uncomfortable being this vulnerable in front of so many people. At the same time, it was VERY liberating to just be able to share what God had done for me during this hard time.

The funny thing is that I wasn't that nervous while shooting the testimony, and most people were commenting on how brave I was. I don't think it has anything to do with bravery. For me, the hardest part WAS to start asking for help... but I knew I had to if I wanted to get better. That is really what I wanted to get across. To quote myself (lol):

"asking for help didn't mean that I was weak, asking for help just meant that I needed help!".

I pray that this video touches at least one person, and that whoever that person is, feels the courage to step out in faith, starts finding comfort in God, and the people HE has placed in his/her life. It doesn't really matter if I know who that person is, I just pray that it helped someone.

Yes, I still have doubts, questions, and difficulties, but I also have God. We all have God!

EED

When I feel blue...

... I don't pretend that everything is fine
I don't think: "You just need to get over this"
I don't panic

Instead, I try to take a deep breath...
And ask God to help me with the situation
I remember His goodness and kindness

When I feel blue, I call on Him
Knowing He will answer

Suffering> Perseverance> Character> HOPE... so simple, yet so easy to forget...

EED

My "Top 25 most played songs" playlist

Well, I'll reduce it to my "Top 6 most played"

6) Artists: U2 & Green Day
Song: The Saints are coming
For a very long time, I didn't think I liked U2. I recently bought their best of CD (on sale), and I was surprised to realize that not only did I know most of their songs, I actually like them! I had the same feeling the day I realized I actually LOVE green beans...yum!

5) Artist: BazBaz
Song: Papa Tango Charly
This song is from one of my favorite French movies "Apres vous" (After you). It's about a beautiful story of friendship, love lost, love found and happy ending…

4) Artist: Stevie Wonder
Song: Signed, Sealed, Delivered
Just a happy song for a happy day! Always makes me want to dance!

3) Artist: Phillips, Craigs & Dean
Song: Open the Eyes of My Heart
One of my favorites worship songs! When I am not sure how to pray or when I need help with a decision, I always play this song!

2) Artist: Coldplay
Song: Viva la Vida
There is debate among internet fans, trying to figure out if the song is about King George III or Louis XIV. I think it's really about anyone who has faced failure… I like this song, because there is no ending, either happy or sad… I can make my own ending!

1) Artist: Noir Desir
Song: Le vent nous portera (the wind will carry us)
I almost want to say that this band is the French version of the Red Hot Chili Peppers: great lyrics, but they don’t always make sense… Still a great song!

EED

Elom reflects on Scott's reflections: Depressed?

This may sound more like a confession/testimony than an actual reflection, but I feel like this is the right time to talk about my experience...

What causes a healthy, relatively smart, 26 year old young woman to feel like the loneliest person in the world? One word: depression. Not unlike Elijah, depression crept up on me while I was looking the other way, not keeping my eyes focused on the Lord. Among other things, I was struggling with: a broken heart, finding a purpose for my life, feelings of loneliness, homesickness...I didn’t want to burden anyone with my silly problems… I felt isolated and very lonely. I was hiding it well too, I think. I am kind of quiet by nature, so it was hard for people to notice that I was even quieter and withdrawn...

Going back to church helped me a lot, but I knew I had to take another step… Simply going to church, worshiping, hearing a practical message, and quickly leaving after the service wasn't enough anymore. So, I took the next step one Sunday, and it felt so great to finally say YES to HIM! (Plus, I didn't know it at the time, but I had also received my first prophetic word…) I felt confident that things were going to be just fine from now on… WRONG!

A mere FOUR days later, I hit rock bottom when I learned something I wasn't supposed to learn in the first place. Just like Elijah, I said:

“I have had enough, LORD”,

I simply didn’t think I could not take this anymore. I won't go into the details of that night, but at some point I started feeling God's presence all around me, and I heard:

"Are you going to get up, or stay down?”

HE also sent my sister, who left her study group two days before her finals, to take care of me physically. To this day, I don’t know where I found the strength to carry on…

"So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Hored, the mountain of God" 1Kings 8.

God knew exactly how to use the pain I was feeling to teach me how to grow. Looking back, I know now that HE wanted me to take another step and actually reach out to someone. HE found an ingenious way to do this…

I missed service that weekend, and I listened to it on iTunes. The title of the message was: "Getting out of jail free” and SS was talking about dealing with different things (including past issues) that keep us imprisoned, which instead of making me feel better made me SO angry! After hearing the sermon, I proceeded to send SS a very polite email...full anger, frustration, hurt and pain. I looked at it the other day, and I thought: "Who wrote this???” Not out of shame or embarrassment, but because I am actually really glad I sent that email.

The funny thing is that I didn’t tell SS my entire story. I used Elijah's scenario (1Kings 10 and 1Kings 14), repeating the same problem over and over, when I knew that I really needed to dig deeper. I felt that my bag pack was so heavy that I had to be very careful when opening it. Instead, I talked to A LOT of different people, I felt I could trust, and told each of them a different part of my story. I did this until I was finally ready to deal with it once and for all and FACE MY PAST.

In the last part of Elijah’s story, God gives him directions on what to do next. I have been paying close attention to what the Lord has been saying to me on this subject...praying and preparing.

How God has helped me with this part of my emotional roller coaster? I am completely different person since that chain of events occurred. Some people may say that I was a "good person" even before this happened, but something deeper happened that night...

I REFUSE to imagine where I would be today if all these things had happened to me while I was still away from HIM... God is good!

EED

Mysterious ways indeed...

I sent this email to my friend N. less than 2 hours after saying YES to HIM.

The sermon at my church this morning was a sign the HE has been listening to me. To summarize the message, the main theme was "do not be afraid to live, to love, to hope, or to trust". I was crying by the end of the service, and approached the pastor [note: DR] afterwards, which I have never done since I starting going to this church.. Anyway... just thought that was very appropriate... God really works mysterious ways...because I almost did not make it to church this morning...

EED

You might be...

... spending too much time at Panera Bread, if while attending your sister's graduation party, a girl looks at you for about 2 minutes, turns to you and says:

"Hey! You are that girl who always comes at Panera!! I work there."

And you actually recognize her...LOL

EED

Maroon 5 and The Police

I am not sure of what I was expecting to accomplish emotionally/ spiritually by playing songs with the following lyrics:

"Built a wall around my heart,
Never let it fall apart,
Strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I am asleep"
Maroon 5


"So lonely, so lonely, so lonely..."
The Police

WHAT?????

Don't get me wrong, I love both bands. They have other great songs with great and positive messages. I know I should have been more careful in the choice of songs I played, and not obsess over them.

I even had to stop listening to some of my favorite Beatles songs for a little while:

"Ah, look at all the lonely people (...) All the lonely people where do they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they all belong?"

EED

Who was he?

This is how the parable of the Good Samaritan starts:

"A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead" Luke 10:30

Who was that man? I know that Jesus used the parable of the Good Samaritan to demonstrate what a "good neighbor" would do, but I have always been intrigued by the man lying face down, and half dead on the side of the road. I don’t know much about him… Was he a good man, a bad man? Did he deserve to be saved? Maybe he was running away from Jerusalem to Jericho, because he had done something terrible and needed to escape.

Was he conscious? Was he praying? I like to imagine him as lying there hopeless. If he was a good man, he was probably hopeless because he had lost all his belongings. If he was a bad man, maybe some of the people he knew would say that he only got what he deserved! When he heard footsteps, he started hoping again:

"Yes! My prayers have been answered!”

But the man didn’t stop, whoever that was did not seem to care enough to help someone in need. The man on the side of the road, probably started praying again, but was more careful this time, setting lower expectations, just in case...

Another man walked by…

"Will he stop? Will I get help this time? I am not sure how much longer I can take this..."

The Levite kept walking. Maybe these two people were simply not able to help the stranger. They might have been running late to an important meeting, or they were on their way help someone else! This is only me, as usual, trying to see the best in everyone. Anyway, back to the story. By the time the Good Samaritan walked by, the man on the floor was completely hopeless. He didn’t believe anymore.

"Look what good it did to me the first two times!”

I also see him angry, frustrated and probably thinking:

"I would stop and offer help if I saw someone bleeding on the side of the road!!!"

Would he? Would I? I know that I would probably pass out from seeing so much blood, so I wouldn’t be able to help much… But seriously, I like to think that I would stop and help…especially if I bent down and noticed that this person looked strangely like me.

EED

Secret gym crush...(shhhh)

I said that my heart was taking a Sabbath, but I never said that my eyes were on strike...hehe...
I wrote this story a few months ago, I added a few notes throughout...


-“Hi my name is Elom. How are you today?
-“Hi, I am Chad. Pleased to finally meet you. I like your name.”
-“Thanks, it means…”

This is the scenario I have rehearsed times and times again in my head. I would wait for the gym to be relatively empty, for him to be a relatively quiet area, before I would confidently walk up to him and introduce myself. I conveniently came up with the name Chad for him, but it could be anything really…Tommy, Freddy, or even heavens forbid Bernard (no offense to the Bernards out there).

We have been playing this hide and seek flirtatious game for months now.[MAYBE IT WAS JUST IN MY HEAD, I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYMORE]. I pretend not to notice him and vice versa. I am usually not that shy when it comes to meeting new people, that is I always give the courtesy nod to everyone I meet at the gym, but I have not been able to do so with Gary (or is it Mike?). The first few weeks, I would look behind me, just to make sure that he wasn't looking at something or someone behind me. After changing exercise machines a few times, I realized that Matt always seemed to be looking in my direction, but would look away as soon as I looked back. Interesting really… because the truth is, I have no idea why anyone would want to look at a profusely sweating, random girl at the gym and make absolutely no attempt to talk to her. The good thing is that I find myself being even more motivated when he is around, almost as if I was trying to impress him, rather than make healthier changes for myself.

I like to imagine that he silently criticizes my long sessions on the treadmill, bike or elliptical, and is telepathically telling me to switch to more weight training [WHICH I STILL DON'T LIKE TO THIS DAY]. Another more logical version is that I simply remind him of someone he knows. My favorite theory, however, is that he is madly and passionately in love with me (even though he has no idea who I am), and cannot find the courage to talk to me. He recently broke up with his long time girlfriend, which left him deeply hurt, and he is simply not ready to start all over again. This is what you call a vivid imagination.

It has been a week since I last saw him, and I promised myself that I would finally talk to Jeff (Mark?) if he ever comes back. But, that is, IF the gym is rather empty, and IF he is a rather deserted area. Only then will I dare talk to Chad.

LAST NOTE: I HAVE NOT SEEN HIM IN MONTHS NOW... TOO BAD... FEELS LIKE HIGH SCHOOL ALL OVER AGAIN...

EED

Elom reflects on Scott's reflections: Overwhelmed?

I came up with this new mental exercise for the next few weeks, and then we'll see where it goes from there. Every time I start feeling overwhelmed or stressed, I sit back, take a deep breath and repeat: "If you can't control it, then don't worry about it"...until I calm down. It’s been working pretty well so far. This new mantra, if you will, was inspired by Mt 6:27

” Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?”

This is easier said than done, isn't it? Some of us just have so much on our minds…My natural tendency was to worry about everything and anything. And when I had nothing to worry about, I worried about that too… It was an endless cycle for me. It is so easy to let our minds wander towards things we know we have absolutely no control over.

I used worry about silly stuff too. For a while there, I would turn the TV on every morning just to watch the weather forecast for the day. If there was a chance of rain or snow, I would usually become very anxious and start mentally preparing for my drive to school/work. I would worry until I walked out the door and only saw a few drops of rain… I don’t even know why I bothered watching the forecast: you know what they say about the Ohio weather… if you don’t like it; just wait a few hours…(so true!). Needless to say, I don’t watch the weather forecast anymore, unless I have something special planned! That sounds like a sweet gig, by the way… Getting paid to be wrong about 50% of the time...I should become a meteorologist!

The passage from Mt 6:27 was written centuries before the age of technology, lattes on tap, cell phones, inflated gas prices, mortgage crises, or any aspects of our so called modern lives. Yet, the message is clear; worrying about any of these things will NOT add a minute, or hour to our lives. Instead, feelings of helplessness, anxiety, and other negative thoughts start taking over, leaving our minds restless and our bodies weak. There are more positive ways for us to deal with these types of events, without feeling completely overwhelmed. I have always been a practical person, usually making rational decisions, but it took a long time to realize that I could not do it all. I finally had to accept that God just wanted to take me by the hand and help me get through some difficult situations. All I have to do is ask Him.

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Mt 11: 28

EED

Getting off my emotional roller coaster- intro

We started a new series at church called "Getting off the emotional roller coaster", to help us deal with the ups and downs of everyday life.

I love the way DR described this series… To paraphrase him, he said that as we start our walk with God, and as He starts working in our lives, He doesn’t magically numb our emotions. Trusting in Him means that "the lows aren't as low and the highs aren't so high". In other words, I am not defined by the events around me, but by what is happening inside of me. (Can you tell, that I ACTUALLY take notes in church? I am such a nerd...)

I tried to be careful when describing my walk with the Lord, I have called it “amazing”, but note that I never said that it was an easy one. Let's face it, life is not easy, and simply saying YES to Him does not mean that all my problems will simply vanish and that I will live happily ever after… I wish it was that simple.

[Quick tangent here, our latest homework for the prayer ministry class is to study the difference between soul and spirit. I have just started looking at this, but it is really fascinating to see how our souls affect our emotions, especially after our spirits are saved, but more on that another time]

I am learning a lot so far. It is hard sometimes to take a hard look at ourselves and try to identify the habits that can cause overwhelming or depressing feelings in our lives. These habits are sometimes so deeply rooted within us (I know they are in my case...) that it takes a lot to admit that we may have a problem.

I will spend more time reflecting on each part of this series, using my friend (and Vineyard pastor) Scott Sliver's podcasts -all available on iTunes under Dayton Vineyard Devotional Podcast (they are only 10 minute drive time podcasts) [Note: and yes... in case you were wondering, Scott is making me type this...HELP!!!!]


EED

About: "A Tale of Three Kings: a Study in Brokeness"

I recently finished reading "A tale of Three Kings: a study in brokenness" by Gene Edwards. DR recommended this book during a sermon months ago, but I just now got around to reading it. After the initial "Why didn’t I read this book sooner???" reaction, I started reflecting on a lot of the points the author raised in his book. As suggested in the title, the story is about three Kings: King Saul, King David, and briefly King Absalom.

This book touched on so many issues, that I would have to read it more than once to actually get a deeper understanding of some of the concepts the author discussed. One question that stayed in the back of my mind the entire time I was reading: what is brokenness? The author mentioned throughout the entire book that God uses broken individuals to accomplish His will. When you read about David’s life, brokenness is obviously a little easier to recognize. But what is brokenness in "ordinary people"?

I have always been fascinated by people's conversion stories. As a little girl I loved reading about the life of saints (I am from a catholic background...) while listening to Beethoven- weird combination- A lot of the people I have talked to lately have battled long periods of some sort of dependency before they heard God's voice, and became followers. If there is one thing I feel truly blessed about, is that throughout my "crazy periods"(and trust me, I have done some pretty dumb things), I have never experienced any sort of chemical dependency specifically to drugs. I have been exposed to these kinds of situations, many times, but I know now that God had other plans for me.

I think about what some people I know have been through, yet they found the strength to completely surrender to God and put their lives in His hands. Can you imagine the courage it would take to press forward, coming from such difficult situations? It makes me wonder, “Was I ever broken? Does my story matter?” I know it may sound a little selfish to think this way. But the good news is: “YES! My story matters...all our stories matter!”. Why? Because we all matter to our Heavenly Father. Man, that is such good news!

I am still not sure what brokenness is…I think I have a pretty good idea. I am comforted when I think about God's goodness, kindness and love for each one of us. The entire time I was reading this book, I kept hearing one of my favorite verses of the Bible, written appropriately by King David:

"For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise. " Ps 51: 16-17

EED

[Note: less than 5 hours posting this, I was asked to share my story with others...an actual video testimony... coincidence? a little scary, really...]

So predictable...

*Phone vibrates*

Me: Yep…

My sister: When did you drive my car?

Me *sheepishly*: I didn’t drive your car.. What are you talking about?

My sister: Yes, you did. You know how I can tell?

Me: No! Don’t tell me… Did I leave the windows open again? I was trying to be sleek this time!

Busted!

EED

Listen

Take your headphones off... Listen to world around you... You are missing so much by being in your own little world. What are you trying to protect yourself from? Are you scared that if you start opening up something bad will happen, proving once again that you are better off in your own little world? I won't lie, there is chance that this might happen...

But you know what else might happen? There is the actual chance that you might meet good people, people who will care about you and want to be there for you.

Just give it a try, take your headphones off...

EED

3 things I wanted to be/do when I grew up

1- a boy. I hated that girls had to learn to cook, wear earrings, wear skirts, and everything else associated with being a woman in the part of the world I am from (I love you, Mom!). I vividly remember the time my mom and I went shopping for my first pair of jeans! She promised me that I could buy a pair when I turned 12…. It was one of the happiest day of my life! I still have these jeans, and I can't believe I ever thought they looked cool…ewww! It is so ironic that growing up in a traditional society turned me into a kind of feminist. I say kind of, because while I am a rather independent person, I still believe that men and women are meant to support each other, not be completely dependent on each other, or fight each other.

2- dancer/writer. I am not sure how I was planning to do both... Writing while I danced? Writing about dancing? I still dance (in my room of course...), and obviously I still love to write...

3- make a difference. I let that dream escape me for a very long time, but not anymore...

EED

Random French music!!!- Video changed on 6-30

Artist: Patrick Fiori and Julie Zenatti
Song: Ces diamants la (These diamonds- with captions

Yes, I have a weakness for French musicals! This song is from the musical "Notre Dame de Paris" based on the book by Victor Hugo...

My heart is taking a Sabbath

My brave little heart… full of scars, but still beating.

My heart is so happy that I am making all kinds of new friends, and learning new things everyday. My heart is always kind of sad on Thursdays, because it wants to be at the corner of Main St and Helena, but it can't. My heart loves it when I help others, even when my brain has no idea of why I am saying or doing things sometimes. My heart loves it when I try new things, things completely outside my usual comfort zone…

Despite all that, my heart is not ready for a new relationship yet. It is funny, because many of friends ask me: "So, have you found a man yet?". I just smile and say: "No, not yet..". My heart is not hurting anymore, at least I don't think so. I am happy to say that it is healing very well. It is just taking a Sabbath, a very long Sabbath… I have not been on a first date since 2003!!! I was in a long relationship in between, so it is not as bad as it sounds. My heart is having so much fun doing other things!

I don't worry about "finding someone" anymore. I know it will happen. My friend SS told me that he can actually see the day when I would come up to him and say "Hey! Guess what?!?! I met someone special...". He also said, I would be giggling when I said that...nice touch!… but sorry man, I don't giggle…(do I???)

EED

Note: I sometimes joke that I will go on a date with ANYONE who is as passionate about the tv show LOST as I am... (so many themes...man of science vs. man of God, naturalism vs. theism...come on! awesome show!!!!)

Optimism...pass it on

During my quiet time, I like to leave the TV on, but I always mute the sound.

This commercial was on: a little boy in a baseball uniform was trying very hard to hit the ball. He kept trying and trying, but he was not able to hit it. After several attempts, he just stops, starts smiling, and said something. This is how I could tell how effective this commercial was, I didn't even need to hear what the kid was saying, it was all in his facial expression! OPTIMISM!

So what if you don't succeed the first 10 times? Keep trying! Trust me, if God wants you to know that a door is closed on a dream, HE will let you know. I know HE sent me very strong messages when I would not listen and I kept pursuing dreams that HE did not plan for me. They were very hard messages at times, but you know what? HE always let someone, or a group of people enter my life when I needed it. If only for a few weeks, or months, or a season of my life. When I take a look at the friends I have had over the past few years, they are all so different! Each of them were there for a season of my life, and they served a purpose and I will always love them for that! Always!

Optimism, pass it on...

EED

Don't stop

Tornado warning until late tonight.. severe thunderstorm warning all over the Miami Valley...
And there I was, in my car on my way home from a prayer ministry class at church... A voice is telling me,
- "Don't stop. Just keep going forward".
I replied:
-"But, I cannot see anything... I think I should stop by the side of the road and drive later... everybody is doing it..".
But the voice repeats:
-"Keep going, it's okay..."

And so, I did. I kept driving... the further I drove, the calmer the storm got.
I really needed to experience this tonight... I really did. My dream is not dead yet... I will keep driving, because I have to.

EED

Walk this way...

I went to Yellow Springs yesterday and took this picture...It describes the current stage of my life.

Funny thing is, I ended up being lost for 2 hours... I didn't mind though. I had a great time!!!

EED

June 1, 2008

I cannot believe that we are already in the month of June!!! Halfway through 2008! So many good and bad things have happened. The most amazing obviously, has been my return back to Jesus Christ. I decided to completely surrender to Him on March 2, 2008...it's been a great adventure so far!

I am not sure of why it took me so long to get back to Him. It does feel like the "Amazing Grace" song... I hate to think that I was a "wretch", but there are many periods in my life that I am not proud of. Now is not the time to talk about these things, not just yet. Instead, I want to write a list of the good things that have happened to me this past few months. In no particular order:

1. I have lost 35+ since December

2. I run longer and faster on the treadmill (I am still weird about running outdoors, even though I love hiking...)

3. I spend less and less time wondering about what could have been, and I instead focus on the amazing possibilities ahead of me

4. I have been celibate for a long time, but the difference is that I am now choosing celibacy as a lifestyle, rather than a twisted act of faithfulness to someone who does not deserve it

5. I have discovered the meaning of giving unconventionally, giving without wanting anything in return
   

6. I listen to my heart very frequently. We have very long and meaningful conversations

7. I have been called "enthusiastic" more than once, after talking about (or inviting people) serving opportunities.. Actually, you would have to kind of know me to really get this one...
   

8. I finally figured out what turns the crank of my heart (as DR would say)- more on that very soon...

9. I am slowly but surely learning to trust again

So many more amazing things have happened, but it would take me too long to write them down.

EED