Pain*

*(Sorry for the somewhat mopey tone of this post... but "topic oblige")

A few months ago, my dentist was going through my X- rays and was offering me different options to treat my cavity (on tooth 31). The 2 options were extraction, or root canal. He took another look at my X-ray and said: 

- It looks like you have had a root canal in the past?

- I have????

- Well, yes. Look right here...

- Uh... Um... I guess...

In an attempt to not sound totally clueless, I pretended to remember getting a root canal as a child. The truth is, I did not. I simply forgot about it... The only thing I could remember is intense, and unforgettable pain, which fostered a growing level of fear and anxiety whenever I had to see a dentist.

This incident is a good reflection of how I deal with painful situations... I bury them deep, very deep, only to be let out in the occasional nightmare, or bout of anxiety. Not too healthy, I suppose...

The past few years, have been harder than I care to remember; because I had no place to hide. Returning to Christ meant that along with the good plans He had for me, He had to start a painful work in me to become more like Him. During those years, I had to dig out some painful childhood and young adult experiences that I have affected me more than I care to elaborate (maybe one day....). These events had taken root in my heart, and were planting seeds of doubt and insecurities in many areas of my life. I ran so fast and for so long that I forgot what it felt like to rest. Until, He made me. He made me lie down and one night, He brought it all back. One long September night a  few years ago, I remembered what pain felt like. It hurts. It hurts in a place where you cannot reach and soothe. It hurts in parts of my life I didn't even know mattered. It hurts.

Part of my spiritual growth meant learning to give it ALL back to Him. Not just a little, or the things I could not handle (while keeping a tight reign on what I felt I could control), not some days... nope... ALL of it, ALL the time. I cannot begin to describe how freeing that was. Note, I didn't use the word "easy" but "freeing". I felt free: free to let go, free to breathe, free to move on, free to dream, free to trust, and maybe one day, free to completely forgive. 

I do have a long journey ahead of me, but I am not alone on this journey anymore. I have Him, and His love never fails (1 Cor 13:8).

PS: I picked the extraction, and while the pain of the extraction was short lived, the healing was of course the hardest part. There is another lesson in that.

Silence

For the past few months, I have felt that God has been silent in my life. I kept getting this feeling that He was far off, in the distant place but still left a forwarding address in case of emergencies... It felt really disturbing and confusing to me... When I first noticed it, it felt really strange and unnerving, like waking up from a deep sleep and noticing scratches on your forearms (which happens a lot lately, now that my nails are growing...) When I really paid attention and started asking questions, I realized just how wrong I was. 

Turns out, He never stopped talking... I just stopped listening. I played my music too loud again, and missed the the words around me.  I was so oblivious that, when He spoke louder, all I could hear was a faint noise disguised in (seemingly) blurry and fuzzy prophetic words. *Sigh*. 

I am so thankful for His patience....

EED

Noise

How much noise do I really need to surround myself with? A lot apparently. While I am writing short this post, I have a DVD playing on tv, a tv show playing on my computer, music playing on my Ipod. So much for being focused. What am I trying to leave out? I am not so sure now.. Am I so scared to listen to the outside world that I am willing to let all these distractions be in the way of what could be important lessons? Who knows?

Tonight is Dec, 31 and maybe, just maybe some time after midnight I will unplug everything and start listening again.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

EED,

Vision

We've been talking about vision in my small group for the past few weeks. What is the vision for my life? This leads me to another confession: every time I hear someone say "God called me to be (...)", I feel a little sad, because I haven't figured out the (...) for my life yet. Not jealous, or envious, just a little sad. I have a vision for my life, I think. It just feels a little fuzzy sometimes, at least it felt this way until a few minutes ago.

I was listening to Brandon Heath's song "Give me your eyes" this morning, and I silently prayed that I would have "His eyes for just one second" (or maybe two seconds). That's when I realized, that I probably could not handle having His eyes, even for one second because... I would freak out! I'd try to deal, negotiate or even worse, try to make it happen. I'll just be content with what I have for now, thank you...



I just love when messages like that travel from my brain to my heart!


EED

Something happened- Part 2

A lot has changed since last year.

I have met incredible people, established wonderful friendships, served in my church, community and total strangers in New Orleans, studied His Word, cried, laughed... discovered what the term "church family" means... I don't think I have learned so much about myself in a long time. I have learned about myself mostly by serving others. I joke with my friends and tell them that the voices in my head tell me to be nice to people.

I remember talking about this to my friend SS a few months ago. I was telling him that the scariest part of my transformation wasn't so much what I was doing or what was happening to me, but the fact that I might not have/feel the same fire one day. Instead of lecturing, or encouraging me, he simply said:

-"Well, if it all ends one day, at least it would have been a great experience. Wouldn't you say so?"

Very encouraging! But seriously to answer his question, I would definitely say so... I can't help but be a little pessimistic at times, and question some of my motives when I do an outreach, or serve the poor, or something of that nature. The answer is kind of complex but to summarize it, it would be because of what God has done for me.

Pastor Doug often talks about the three phases of our relationship with God. First there is the honeymoon phase, then confrontation, then reconciliation (I can't remember the exact terms he used...). My honeymoon phase lasted a few days. Before I could really process what had happened to me that Sunday, I was faced with a major decision: getting up or staying down? Following Jesus or the outside world? Depending on my own strength or relying on my Heavenly Father. The choice was fairly easy to make...even though it didn't feel like it at the time. Hindsight REALLY is 20/20.

Some time last week, I bought a ring with the inscription: "Faith + Hope + Love". So far, people have called it my promise- commitment- purity- dorky- nerdy- cool looking ring. To me it really is a reminder of what God has done in my life:

- HE restored my faith
- HE gave me hope
- HE showed me the meaning of true love



It really doesn't matter how long this will last, the bumper stickers are right:

"It's not about the destination, it all about the journey!"

EED

Something happened- Part 1

Something happened a year ago today...

I gave my life back to Christ, and He gladly took it back. By then, I had been going back to church for a while, but I was one of the "back row" people, who according to Pastor Doug cannot be trusted :) I was just content, coming to church on Sunday morning, not talking to anyone, listening to a practical and meaningful message, and go on about my business. That didn't last long, especially after that. My world was turned upside down.

I wrote the following entry in my journal, in an attempt to recreate what happened that day... The message was titled "What to do when you are afraid to roll the dice"; after hearing it, I asked Jesus to show me what to do because I was TERRIFIED to roll the dice. (I edited a few personal sections...)

" OK, let's recreate the scene. I am sitting in the back of the church, another face in the crowd, silently crying, first in my heart, before the tears start rolling on my face. The man sitting next to me grabs his wife's hand and holds it tight. I am obviously making him uncomfortable, but seeing someone being so vulnerable seems to stir up something in him.

Pastor Doug finishes his message, and I think I am going to be fine now. He says, the usual:

-"Grabs your neighbor's hand and let's pray".

I grab the uncomfortable man's hand, and I cry and cry even more. What is happening to me??? Pastor Doug invites anyone who needs prayer to come up and be prayed for. I stand frozen in my seat. Will I go up? I don't know. I could as easily go back to my car, drive home or Yellow Springs, and "process" the message, as I do every Sunday. Instead, I find myself walking against the crowd. I see Joy, and Sarah and Nate. It would be rude not to say hi, so I stop and say hi. They look at me strangely, they can tell something is wrong... I feel like walking back, but I can't. I need to keep going. I am so close.

I finally make it to Pastor Doug. I walk up to him and immediately think "Wow! He is so tall in real life!!!". I tell him how I almost didn't make it to church this morning, but I KNEW I had to be there. He asks me what I need prayer for, and I tell him. He listens, prays for my situation for less than 10 seconds, tells me some things I haven't told anyone, and prays some more. I stop for a second, look at him, say thank you, and quickly leave... I am not sure how to feel. How does he know? What just happened?"

What happened? God was invading my heart is what happened... more on that later... I am bit tired today....

EED

Exercise daily: walk with Jesus

I went for a walk for the first time in a little while last week. The sun was out, the temperature was close to 40 degrees, no cold wind, great "walking" playlist on my iPod... Perfect conditions! I then remembered this sign I saw a few months ago while driving:

"Exercise daily: walk with Jesus"

Do I need perfect conditions to walk with Jesus? Do I need to be in a certain mood? Do I need to be at the food pantry or a busy grocery store? Do I need to be alone or with others? Do I need to be at Church or at Panera Bread? Do I need to listen to the right kind of music? Do I need to be on a full stomach, or fasting?

Just thinking out loud...


EED

Forgiveness: how I got slapped in the face...

God slapped me in the face earlier this evening... He really did! Before I get into this, I need to give a little background information.

It all started last Saturday. I attended a prayer ministry training class on deliverance, and how bitterness (usually stemmed from un-forgiveness) can affect people both emotionally and physically. It continued the next day, when I attended a service at the downtown location of our church to support my friend Eric Wright, who delivered a beautiful message on forgiveness. It continued a few days later, when I read a post from my friend Brad, on... forgiveness.

See a pattern here? Good! Cause I didn't...

Anyway... as I was sitting in church this evening listening to yet another beautiful message on forgiveness (I don't think the message has been uploaded yet), I kept thinking:

-"Man, I really wished I had invited my friend X to hear this message! I think she really needed to hear this!"

I seriously thought this way the entire time! I kept thinking about her, and how perfect the message would be for her... About ten minutes before the end of the message, it happened; God slapped me! Wow, that hurt! In a good but uncomfortable way...

If I still believed in coincidences, I probably would have categorized this series of events in the "bizarre, but not uncommon events" section... but I have stopped believing in coincidences a while ago. Could it be that I have issues with un-forgiveness I need to deal with starting tonight? Well, the answer is obviously "YES". I spoke with a couple of pastors after the service, and we prayed for God to help me to solve any issues I need to deal with.

Thank you Father for calling me out on issues I would rather bury than deal with. Thank you for waking me up. Please help me remember Your Grace, Your Kindness and Your unconditional Love.

Thank you Father!

EED

Patience

Even though, I know that God answers prayers, it still takes my breath away to see Him work.

He loves to remind me to be patient, but it's so hard! He showed me today why I need to be patient, so I will be... Of course, it wasn't the answer I was expecting (surprise!), but it showed me that He does listen, and He does care. Now, if only I could do my part, and keep trusting Him. On a similar topic, one of my friends told me once that all I can do is keep doing the right things for the right reasons. I should probably write it on a poster and keep it beside my bed.

Thank you for your faithfulness, and the free blueberry cheesecake! YUM!

EED

Hungry...

I was recently described by a fellow blogger & Christ follower as "hungry for God". I like that. I feel like that sometimes. How do I find Him? How can learn more about Him? How can I hear what He has to say? I think He likes to poke me sometimes, and remind me not to look too far.

The most recent example is actually kind of funny... I was reading the Bible this past weekend, and became very irritated when my sister interrupted me to ask something. I kind of ignored her, grunted something back and kept reading. The VERY next verse I read was Isaiah 58:7. I just looked up, and started laughing uncontrollably! You really can't make that up!

EED

Faith vs. Reason

One of the homework questions for the next Knowing the Voice of the Lord class is to define the difference between faith and reason. There are tons and tons of books written on the subject… and I don’t think I have the time (or desire) to read each one of them. Instead, I am going to use the example of the most recent (rather important) decision I have made. I actually made it today, so it is still fresh. I will use MY understanding of both faith and reason to explain my thought process.

It all started when I received the weekly church newsletter a few weeks ago, with the following announcement:

“We have been making preparations for a New Orleans Mission Trip, and we finally have some details available. We are planning to go to New Orleans July 19-31 [NOTE: dates were later changed to July 26-August 9]. This means we need people up who are able to go and work, and we also are asking for monetary donations to supply materials. Maybe you cannot go to New Orleans, but you would like to help financially so we can purchase materials.
As we help Beulah Land Baptist Church rebuild, we will be making a big difference in the spiritual climate of New Orleans. If you would like more details about this trip, are interested in going to New Orleans, and/or would like to make a donation please contact…”

REASON: I start doing the math, and realize that I probably will not be able to help financially. I have so many things going on, so many things I need to prepare for. Besides, I have already made other financial commitments that I don’t think I can get out of. As far going down to New Orleans, same issue, how am I going to pay for transportation, sleeping arrangements and stuff like that???

FAITH: I start weeping right then and there in front of my computer at work. Not sure why… I need to figure something out.

I get home and talk to my sister about it. I tell her that I need to find a way to help, somehow. The conversation then turns into: “Why do YOU have to do it?”

REASON: Why indeed? I am sure there are lots of volunteers who probably are more able to help financially, or any other way. I don’t have to feel guilty about not being able to help; I would if I could…

FAITH: I don’t want to do this out of guilt! It just feels like the right thing to do… I can’t possibly explain it. I need to figure something out.

After weeks of praying, and working with numbers, I decide to go to the informational meeting for the mission trip. I also realize that my last day at my current place of employment is less than a week before the start of the trip.

REASON: It’s probably a coincidence. You have to watch your spending…

FAITH: Coincidence? Really? I doubt it… If this is a coincidence, then my life the past few months has just been a continuous series of coincidences...

I get to the meeting today (after a rather interesting series of events AND a free lunch from the Cheesecake Factory! YUM!), I sit down, and GH talks about the details of the trip.

REASON: Hmmm… It doesn’t sound as expensive as I first thought… It’s actually doable. I might be able to go down there for a week. I need to check this out…

FAITH: I am weeping during the entire meeting… Actually weeping! This guy across from me is looking at me, probably thinking: “Great!!! Just what we need…a crybaby!” I need to add here, that I VERY rarely cry in public.

After the meeting, I walk up to GH and sign up on the spot! Does it make sense? Actually, I don’t think it’s supposed to. By the way, what did GH mean when he talked about hanging dry wall? Just kidding!

I am SO exited!!!!

EED

Don't stop

Tornado warning until late tonight.. severe thunderstorm warning all over the Miami Valley...
And there I was, in my car on my way home from a prayer ministry class at church... A voice is telling me,
- "Don't stop. Just keep going forward".
I replied:
-"But, I cannot see anything... I think I should stop by the side of the road and drive later... everybody is doing it..".
But the voice repeats:
-"Keep going, it's okay..."

And so, I did. I kept driving... the further I drove, the calmer the storm got.
I really needed to experience this tonight... I really did. My dream is not dead yet... I will keep driving, because I have to.

EED

The multiple voices of God

I recently watched a very interesting movie called "Conversations with God". I won't really go into the details of the story, but it tells the true story of Neale Donald Walsch, who after years of struggles writes an angry letter to God, and surprise... gets an answer! He learns to hear AND listen to God and starts having daily conversations with Him, which ultimately completely changes his life....

Walsch basically reiterates that God talks to us everyday, it could be through a random song on the radio, or a phone call from a friend we have not heard from in a long time. He says at some point that God uses our own voices to talk to us (you know that little voice in your head saying that you shouldn't eat this piece of pie)… It may be true sometimes, but recently, God has used the voices of people around me to send me several messages.

For instance, HE always uses my mother's voice when I am not sure of a decision I am about to make, especially in my choice of friends. On one of the most painful nights of my life, while I was passed out drunk on my bedroom floor and did not care whether I lived or died, HE used DR's voice to send me a very powerful message of hope. When, weeks later, I was struggling to hear HIS voice, HE used SS's voice to tell me in a dream, "If you really want to hear HIM, simply listen…" HE used some voice I didn't recognize just the other night, telling me to talk to someone I know and give him words of comfort. HE will often use commercials, or even cheesy movie lines (especially late at night) to talk to me. I could go on and on…

With spiritual growth comes the ability to become more and more attentive to God's words to us, regardless of the voice He uses.

EED