New journey

And so it is... This journey comes to an end and a new one starts with a new blog, new outlook, and new adventures. I am calling it: Take part.


Thanks for reading and see you there!

eed

Dreams

A friend of mine recently challenged me to dream, to dream big. Those words took me by surprise, not because it was anything new, but because it made me realize that I forgotten HOW to dream. It then occurred to me that over the years, my dreams have turned into expectations, expectations that I am determined to keep as low as possible.

I have often looked up to Joseph in the Old Testament, not because of who he ended being, but of who he dreamed he could be. Every time I read about his story, I keep hearing the words "I know this is possible, but ...how..". I wonder if he ever stopped along the way of his "misfortunes" and remembered the dream that started it all. Frankly, in his shoes, I probably would have felt a deep sense of resentment not only towards my siblings, but also towards myself for speaking up about the dream. But then again, there lies the difference between Joseph and I. He dared speak his dream, he dared walk his dream, he dared believing that things were going to work out, even in the deepest parts of his heart while locked away in a prison cell....

The problem is still that I forgot how to dream, and I am not sure how to get it back. Looking back at the most recent decisions in my life (while most of them are good ones) they have been dictated by the same  factors over and over:

- Money

- Potential others see in me

- Fear of the future

- The need to be rational

- and more importantly fear of failure.

I suppose a lot a people struggle with similar issues, but does it mean that I should simply give up and get used to the idea that dreams are not meant to come true? Rhetorical question! Of course, I can blame a number of things, but in the end, I still have to do something about it. I still have to open my eyes, and stop standing on the sidelines. I still have to dare to dream, to date to act, to dare to fail.

EED

Happy pace

According to my "Freeway to 10K" running podcast, a happy pace is defined as a running pace that allow runners to run fast enough feel the vigorous effort, but slow enough to have a conversation with someone.. The body then gets stronger daily, weekly, until you realize you are now running faster and easier than before. It certainly has been true for me in the past few weeks, and then I dawned on me that it was also true in my life.

Let me expand... happy pace in my life has taken different forms... 

Spiritually, over the past few years, finding a happy pace has meant that I had to stop running so far ahead of myself and learn to be quiet and listen. As many of my friends, I have always struggled with the story of Martha and Mary. As much as I respect Mary and her desire to sit down and spend time with Jesus, the world needs Marthas. It simply does. I feel like the story should end with Jesus saying something like: 

-"(...) still, the place looks great Martha, and the food is simply amazing!".  

I know, I know, the story is really about a balancing act between being and doing, but in my life, doing just tends to take over until I decide to completely switch it over to being. At which point nothing else matters. Now that I think about it, it doesn't sound like I have found my happy pace in this aspect of my life yet. I do, do and do and get so tired that I forget to just be. Self examination, you will be the death of me!!! 

Moving on...

My happy pace in relationships means not being as closed off as I used to be. I am trying to not hide behind my friendly nature while quietly keeping people at a distance. It has not been easy, mind you, but the process and the lessons I am learning are worth the experience. Happy pace means I am learning to care of the people in my life, it's spending more time with my family. It means learning to invite people into my life instead of hiding behind walls or waiting for "something to happen". It is learning that love is not about fear, but about hope. 

The whole point of having a happy pace is to keep runners motivated. Too many times, I start something at full speed, ready, motivated and pumped to get going, only to lose all that positive energy in a matter of days. My happy pace gives me room to grow, it gives me room to learn, it gives me room to fall back for a short while, if needed, only to get back up and keep going. In the big scheme of things, I am still a baby runner, making baby steps, learning to pace myself...

I am still looking for my happy pace, and I hope you are too.

EED

2011

2011 was quite the strange year for me. I was rather nervous about what the year would bring... and specifically the way it would usher my 30th birthday. That's right, I turned THIRTY last year! Oh heavens, it was hard. Fears, insecurities, questions, anxiety about the past, the present and the future, all made an appearance at one point or another. The rather organized and polished 5 year plan I had created for myself had completely and utterly failed. Single, no kids, no fancy cars, no.... the list went on and on. 

As in any good story though, something changed along the way... I suspect it started with a trip back home in Senegal, where I grew up. It was my first time "home" in about 8 years. Speaking of, what's home really? As a third culture kid, it's really hard for me to answer, but more on that topic another time.

Here is my favorite picture of my 2 week trip: I call it "The point of no return". 

That's the actual name of this door. The picture was taken on Goree island, which was the point of departure for many African slaves captured in the western part of the continent. For most slaves, the door represented the last point hope before leaving the lives they knew behind. There are no step beyond the door, just the ocean, where I always imagined the ships docked and picked up their human "cargo". I have always cried at the point of this tour of the old slave house, but that day I felt numb. I am still not sure what happened that day, but it felt like the beginning of a long and surprisingly rewarding journey. 

I knew I needed to make some dreaded lifestyle changes, and so I did... very...very slowly and...very reluctantly. The past 2-3 years had been filled with just unwise decisions and choices. The bottom line: I just stopped taking of myself. I made small changes: in a work environment, where relaxed clothing was the norm, I stopped wearing T-shirts on weekdays and starting "dressing up" on Sundays. I took swimming lessons. I ran a few 5k races. Small changes, but they made a difference in the way I felt. I traveled more: Chicago, Detroit, DC (one of my favorite cities)... Arizona. (I have ALWAYS wanted to see the Arizona desert, and it was more beautiful than I ever imagined). 

And then, it happened... I turned 30..THIRTY. The point of no return! I celebrated with my family, my birthday with my mother for the first time in years. I celebrated with friends, who love and care for me. I celebrated with strangers, who kept calling me a "youngin". It felt amazing. It felt peaceful. It felt right. Sure some things haven't changed, but what changed mattered in more ways than I could have expected. I can openly admit that I am a sucker for cheesy things, but I never really believed the saying about the journey and destination... good thing there is hope for everyone...

eed

Pain*

*(Sorry for the somewhat mopey tone of this post... but "topic oblige")

A few months ago, my dentist was going through my X- rays and was offering me different options to treat my cavity (on tooth 31). The 2 options were extraction, or root canal. He took another look at my X-ray and said: 

- It looks like you have had a root canal in the past?

- I have????

- Well, yes. Look right here...

- Uh... Um... I guess...

In an attempt to not sound totally clueless, I pretended to remember getting a root canal as a child. The truth is, I did not. I simply forgot about it... The only thing I could remember is intense, and unforgettable pain, which fostered a growing level of fear and anxiety whenever I had to see a dentist.

This incident is a good reflection of how I deal with painful situations... I bury them deep, very deep, only to be let out in the occasional nightmare, or bout of anxiety. Not too healthy, I suppose...

The past few years, have been harder than I care to remember; because I had no place to hide. Returning to Christ meant that along with the good plans He had for me, He had to start a painful work in me to become more like Him. During those years, I had to dig out some painful childhood and young adult experiences that I have affected me more than I care to elaborate (maybe one day....). These events had taken root in my heart, and were planting seeds of doubt and insecurities in many areas of my life. I ran so fast and for so long that I forgot what it felt like to rest. Until, He made me. He made me lie down and one night, He brought it all back. One long September night a  few years ago, I remembered what pain felt like. It hurts. It hurts in a place where you cannot reach and soothe. It hurts in parts of my life I didn't even know mattered. It hurts.

Part of my spiritual growth meant learning to give it ALL back to Him. Not just a little, or the things I could not handle (while keeping a tight reign on what I felt I could control), not some days... nope... ALL of it, ALL the time. I cannot begin to describe how freeing that was. Note, I didn't use the word "easy" but "freeing". I felt free: free to let go, free to breathe, free to move on, free to dream, free to trust, and maybe one day, free to completely forgive. 

I do have a long journey ahead of me, but I am not alone on this journey anymore. I have Him, and His love never fails (1 Cor 13:8).

PS: I picked the extraction, and while the pain of the extraction was short lived, the healing was of course the hardest part. There is another lesson in that.

Silence

For the past few months, I have felt that God has been silent in my life. I kept getting this feeling that He was far off, in the distant place but still left a forwarding address in case of emergencies... It felt really disturbing and confusing to me... When I first noticed it, it felt really strange and unnerving, like waking up from a deep sleep and noticing scratches on your forearms (which happens a lot lately, now that my nails are growing...) When I really paid attention and started asking questions, I realized just how wrong I was. 

Turns out, He never stopped talking... I just stopped listening. I played my music too loud again, and missed the the words around me.  I was so oblivious that, when He spoke louder, all I could hear was a faint noise disguised in (seemingly) blurry and fuzzy prophetic words. *Sigh*. 

I am so thankful for His patience....

EED

I will follow

Lately, I have been wondering what is keeping me so busy, so occupied, so distracted. I have been wondering if my actions reflected my desire to follow Him and Him alone. Working in ministry has a funny way of making me doubt myself that I am doing what He has called me to do. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I love serving Him and others, but there is still this part of me that says... "what if..."

This song is my wish tonight, as I pray: "Where you go, I'll go, where you stay, I'll stay. I will follow you."



EED

Noise

How much noise do I really need to surround myself with? A lot apparently. While I am writing short this post, I have a DVD playing on tv, a tv show playing on my computer, music playing on my Ipod. So much for being focused. What am I trying to leave out? I am not so sure now.. Am I so scared to listen to the outside world that I am willing to let all these distractions be in the way of what could be important lessons? Who knows?

Tonight is Dec, 31 and maybe, just maybe some time after midnight I will unplug everything and start listening again.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

EED,

Love...love...love

"Some people can only love you the way they were loved." EED

In progress...

Tonight, I did something I haven't done in a very long time. I cranked the music up and started dancing right in my kitchen. There was no special occasion, I wasn't particularly happy or anything... I just started dancing, and it felt good!

I have been in progress the past few months... Not sure how to explain it, but it has been (and still is) a pretty hard process to go through. Who said that the journey of faith was fun and easy? I think I want a refund! There are times when looking back just doesn't cut it, I still feel so stuck in the present and the current situation and the storms of life; that I can't move. I feel paralyzed and scared. The random dancing tonight was liberating, it was a way for me to feel alive again, to feel like there is a reason behind my sleepless nights.


Anyway, I better try to get some sleep... good night!

EED

1st and 2nd Kings

It's been a while since I shared about my readings... so I am going to pick just where I left off: 1st and 2nd Kings.

If I had to pick just one word to describe these two books it would be "infuriating". It was really hard for me to get through the books. It's hard to explain why I felt that way. ..well, maybe not that hard. Most likely it was the familiarity I felt with the some of the obnoxious Kings and the people of Israel repeatedly defying God and making excuses every time. How many times can one make the same mistake over and over again? Irritating!

When I stopped to reflect on aspects of my life that followed the same pattern, I realized that I was infuriated with myself. I was getting tired of asking for forgiveness for things I keep doing over and over. I was getting tired of apologizing to my Heavenly Father for things, I should have "under control" by now. (Control? What is control anyway?)

Despite these strong feelings, I could see God working through these flawed people to show me that I AM flawed, and that it's OK. It is OK to be flawed, and confused and broken. It's OK to feel lost and insecure. That's why He is God and I am not. It sounds like the standards are set pretty low, but that's where grace, holiness, sanctification come into play. That's why He sent His only son. I am not going to turn into a perfect person overnight, but I can strive to live a life that is honoring to My Heavenly Father.

One verse that really spoke to me, and that I am hanging on to is from 2 Kings 8:19. After years of rebellion, and rejection of God's teaching to worship Him and Him only, I was finally happy to see the people of Israel get what was coming to them. That was until:

"... for the sake of his servant David, the LORD was not willing to destroy Judah. He had promised to maintain a lamp for David and his descendants forever"

I have read (and experienced) countless stories of God grace and mercy, but this one really got to me. He made a promise and He kept His promise, regardless of how corrupt and defiant David's descendants were. I think of the promises He still makes today, and I am just thankful that He cares more about His promises than my actions.

Maybe 1st and 2nd Kings were not so infuriating after all... maybe a better word would be eye opening.

Thank you, Father

EED

Note: I can't wait to read it again in a while...

let my words be few

My current theme song



Happy Valentine's day :)

EED

Here's to you! (from me)

My life took a tragic turn a few years ago when I returned to Christ on a chilly Sunday morning. My life has been nothing but chaos ever since.

First there was the deafening tug of war in my heart telling me to help somebody. What does that even mean: “help somebody”???? I struggled with questions like these for a while. People have always described me as a “nice person”, but I could already tell that this was way beyond simply being nice: it was about being kind. I had to relearn to be kind, to be kind to:

- the stranger sitting next to me during service (even though I like to concentrate on the message, rather than making small talk),

- to my coworkers (and actually mean it),

- to the person in line in front of me at the grocery store (even though they were paying the cashier with quarters)…

It is so much easier to be kind from afar.

After a few months of these exercises, I felt like it was time to do just a little more. A little being the key words here. I simply was not ready for anything too crazy, or adventurous. So, I naturally ended up in New Orleans, covered in fiberglass from installing insulation (very itchy!), and gutting an abandoned house after a flood. So much for “a little”!

I settled down somewhat since that period of time, gaining a few pounds in the process. I have switched things a little, from just doing stuff to planning instead. I now have more headaches, but less body aches!

If you asked me why I do these things, I would have to answer that it is because the voices in my head tell me to. Well, not really… To me, it is more about the way I felt on that Sunday March morning years ago. I want the people I serve to feel that way. I want the people who read this to feel that way. I want everyone to feel that way! Until then, I’ll keep doing my part, will you?

Here is to more chaos! Hear, hear!

EED

Is it twenty ten or two thousand and ten...?

...I am not so sure of the difference... What I am sure about, is how exited I am to start this new year. I can already see new challenges to face, new people to meet, new projects to take on! Of course, I look back at where I was at this time last year, and I can't help but think about the changes that have occurred since this January 2009.

I feel less scared, less worried, less intimidated by my circumstances. I feel a new confidence, and assurance that I am the right path. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder how callous my heart is getting. Am I building too many walls around me? I think I am... but I can't remember how to put them down. I can't remember why I put them up in the first place... Well, that's a lie... I do remember. I don't like getting hurt. I don't like opening up. I don't like bothering people. Sigh. Will I ever learn? I will... I am. In the meantime, I will keep walking, because I can, because I know I am the right direction.

Would you tell me if I weren't?

Happy new year!

EED

Elom reflects on Scott's reflections: Quick connect series

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:8-10

The gift of grace is still puzzling to me. It's the one gift I can never repay, the one gift I am and will always be thankful for. To think that I am God's workmanship is even more puzzling... It's hard to get my head around the fact that He uses flawed people to accomplish His will. I was convinced that I needed to have my life in order to do good works. And if my life didn't look good, well I could always pretend it was.

After receiving the gift of grace, I started getting the nudge to do something about it. Not to repay the gift (even though that was my first impulse), but to help others feel the same way I did. When I asked where I could start, my friend Scott shared a profound piece of wisdom with me:

"Start from where you are, with what you have."

OK, simple enough:

- Start from where you are: Finding a place to serve was easy. There are so many opportunities waiting to be filled. Not just in the walls in the church, but outside my comfort zone. I started looking around, listening, caring, and doing what I could. I simply figured that the good works prepared in advance for me to do had to be in there somewhere. I like to think that He honors every act of service we do in His name. I have seen and heard enough stories to be convinced that He uses the most random and routine acts to change people's lives.

- With what you have: I made a list of the things I was good at and started from there. After wondering why I didn't have certain gifts, I started focusing on the ones I have. There is a good reason I don't have the same talents as some of my close friends. We all somehow manage to complement each other when it comes to serving.

The Quick Connect series was all about using the gifts we have to help make a difference in someone's life. I remember reading somewhere that: "Small things done with great love will change to world". When I am not sure I am doing my part, I try to remember that what I did, I (hopefully) did in love, and that's all that matters really...

EED

Elom reflects on Scott's reflections: The growing series

(In order to catch up on my reflections, I decided to write one post per series, at least until I am all caught up).

The series on growing came at a pivotal time in my life. I felt stuck, uncertain of the next step... you know, the feeling you get when you already have the answer, but you are just too scared to actually do anything about it. So, I prayed. I prayed for growth, as painful as it was. One thing I realized throughout the series is that no matter how inconvenient, untimely, tedious it may be, growing is simply necessary.

It's only been a few months since I started praying for continued growth, but I can see the seeds started to give fruits. I can see the changes inside of me, and the effect it has on my family, friends and community. I don't know how long this period will last, but I really like to think of growing as a process... whether lifelong, or just for a season.

Although the series on growth has been over for a few months, I faced my test last week. God's timing is always impeccable. I think I passed, I am not sure. I am not even sure there was a pass/fail grade involved... All I know is that I feel at peace with some of the decisions I have struggled with. It's only taken me a couple of years! HAHA!



God is good!

EED

Precious

I was watching a movie called "Precious" and it made me think about love... The movie takes the main character, named Precious, from a place of pain, despair and hardship to determination, relationships and love... From a life lived with no notion of love, she discovers that healthy relationships can make a difference in someone's life.

The things we do for love... the things we do to be a part of something bigger than ourselves... the things we do to belong. They don't always make sense, they don't always feel right, they are the choices we make.

Love means to put myself out there, love means to make mistakes, love means to admit that I don't have it altogether. Love means to remember that I am precious. Are you?

EED

Just a few notes...

Just a couple of notes and questions from the second book of Samuel...

2 Samuel 3:39- King David? Scared? Weak? "Where does my help come from?"

2 Samuel 5: 10- What is power? How do you get power? Can you ever get be truly powerful without having the Lord on your side?

2 Samuel 6: 22- Humility and worship from the King of Israel to the Higher power... Kind of answers my previous questions in reference to verse 2 Samuel 5:10

2 Samuel 7: 18- Who am I to receive such blessings from the Lord?
David then turns around, shares "God's kindness" with Jonathan's son, and gets asked the same question in 2 Samuel 9: 8. Yes, David made a pact with Jonathan, but I really think this is what happens to people after they personally experience God's touch: they turn around and extend the same touch, kindness, love to others...

EED

Begging for a new king

Interesting that my reading of the Old Testament led me to the book of Samuel as these uncertain times (at least uncertain for us, not for our Heavenly Father) unfold...

After years of fully relying on God (with some major and memorable bad decisions), the Israelites decided, or actually demanded to have a human king reign over them. Before the Israelites demanded their king, there were a few mentions in the book of Judges that God was the supreme authority, and the Israelites did NOT need a king to rule over them.

"In those days Israel had no king; everyone did as he saw fit" Judges 21:25

Yet, they insisted, pleaded, cried and begged Samuel to ask God for a king!

[Before I move any further, I need to mention that Samuel is one of my heroes... Conceived as a response to Hannah's constant and faithful prayer, he was destined to be a servant to the Lord. I try to remember the following verse when I struggle with hearing the voice of the Lord:
"Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD : The word of the LORD had not yet been revealed to him." 1 Samuel 3:7
Note to self: need to dedicate an entire post to Samuel...]

Now, back to the Israelites begging for a king... They were given fair warning... "Are you sure this is what you want?". This sounds a lot like me, trying to "make it happen"... So many times, I tried to run ahead of Him, thinking I could make it all by myself. It's easier to give myself credit for good things, than to thank God for everything He does for me EVERY single day. Hopefully, I am getting better at listening to warnings, especially when they are as specific as this one:

- "[When that day comes,] you will cry out for relief from the king you have chosen, and the LORD will not answer you in that day" 1 Samuel 8:18

Of course he answered the Israelites, of course He listened to their cries, of course He cares for me... Always cleaning up after me.

Thank you, Father.

EED

Life is changing so fast...

I am little nostalgic tonight. Life is changing so fast...

One of my closest friend from high school is getting married in December. She is so happy, and ready to start this new adventure. The funny thing about this, she did not want to get married. Growing up, it was me, Sagal and Eva.... the 3 musketeers! Sagal was the least likely to get married. HAHA. She is getting married in Mali, West Africa, and I will miss her special day.

Another close friend from college just had her first baby a few days ago (read her beautiful and touching birth story on this link). And you guessed it... she did not want to have children. HAHA! She gave birth to a healthy 7lbs,1.3 ounces, 19.4 inches babygirl.

In both cases, they sound so happy about the unexpected turns in their lives. It gives me hope that God's timing is always perfect, that He listens to our plans and gently smiles, knowing that His are for superior.

Congratulations to both of you!

PS: Hijabee if you read this, let me know when would be a good time to come up for an overdue visit.

EED