Pain*

*(Sorry for the somewhat mopey tone of this post... but "topic oblige")

A few months ago, my dentist was going through my X- rays and was offering me different options to treat my cavity (on tooth 31). The 2 options were extraction, or root canal. He took another look at my X-ray and said: 

- It looks like you have had a root canal in the past?

- I have????

- Well, yes. Look right here...

- Uh... Um... I guess...

In an attempt to not sound totally clueless, I pretended to remember getting a root canal as a child. The truth is, I did not. I simply forgot about it... The only thing I could remember is intense, and unforgettable pain, which fostered a growing level of fear and anxiety whenever I had to see a dentist.

This incident is a good reflection of how I deal with painful situations... I bury them deep, very deep, only to be let out in the occasional nightmare, or bout of anxiety. Not too healthy, I suppose...

The past few years, have been harder than I care to remember; because I had no place to hide. Returning to Christ meant that along with the good plans He had for me, He had to start a painful work in me to become more like Him. During those years, I had to dig out some painful childhood and young adult experiences that I have affected me more than I care to elaborate (maybe one day....). These events had taken root in my heart, and were planting seeds of doubt and insecurities in many areas of my life. I ran so fast and for so long that I forgot what it felt like to rest. Until, He made me. He made me lie down and one night, He brought it all back. One long September night a  few years ago, I remembered what pain felt like. It hurts. It hurts in a place where you cannot reach and soothe. It hurts in parts of my life I didn't even know mattered. It hurts.

Part of my spiritual growth meant learning to give it ALL back to Him. Not just a little, or the things I could not handle (while keeping a tight reign on what I felt I could control), not some days... nope... ALL of it, ALL the time. I cannot begin to describe how freeing that was. Note, I didn't use the word "easy" but "freeing". I felt free: free to let go, free to breathe, free to move on, free to dream, free to trust, and maybe one day, free to completely forgive. 

I do have a long journey ahead of me, but I am not alone on this journey anymore. I have Him, and His love never fails (1 Cor 13:8).

PS: I picked the extraction, and while the pain of the extraction was short lived, the healing was of course the hardest part. There is another lesson in that.

Silence

For the past few months, I have felt that God has been silent in my life. I kept getting this feeling that He was far off, in the distant place but still left a forwarding address in case of emergencies... It felt really disturbing and confusing to me... When I first noticed it, it felt really strange and unnerving, like waking up from a deep sleep and noticing scratches on your forearms (which happens a lot lately, now that my nails are growing...) When I really paid attention and started asking questions, I realized just how wrong I was. 

Turns out, He never stopped talking... I just stopped listening. I played my music too loud again, and missed the the words around me.  I was so oblivious that, when He spoke louder, all I could hear was a faint noise disguised in (seemingly) blurry and fuzzy prophetic words. *Sigh*. 

I am so thankful for His patience....

EED

I will follow

Lately, I have been wondering what is keeping me so busy, so occupied, so distracted. I have been wondering if my actions reflected my desire to follow Him and Him alone. Working in ministry has a funny way of making me doubt myself that I am doing what He has called me to do. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I love serving Him and others, but there is still this part of me that says... "what if..."

This song is my wish tonight, as I pray: "Where you go, I'll go, where you stay, I'll stay. I will follow you."



EED

Noise

How much noise do I really need to surround myself with? A lot apparently. While I am writing short this post, I have a DVD playing on tv, a tv show playing on my computer, music playing on my Ipod. So much for being focused. What am I trying to leave out? I am not so sure now.. Am I so scared to listen to the outside world that I am willing to let all these distractions be in the way of what could be important lessons? Who knows?

Tonight is Dec, 31 and maybe, just maybe some time after midnight I will unplug everything and start listening again.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

EED,

Love...love...love

"Some people can only love you the way they were loved." EED

In progress...

Tonight, I did something I haven't done in a very long time. I cranked the music up and started dancing right in my kitchen. There was no special occasion, I wasn't particularly happy or anything... I just started dancing, and it felt good!

I have been in progress the past few months... Not sure how to explain it, but it has been (and still is) a pretty hard process to go through. Who said that the journey of faith was fun and easy? I think I want a refund! There are times when looking back just doesn't cut it, I still feel so stuck in the present and the current situation and the storms of life; that I can't move. I feel paralyzed and scared. The random dancing tonight was liberating, it was a way for me to feel alive again, to feel like there is a reason behind my sleepless nights.


Anyway, I better try to get some sleep... good night!

EED

1st and 2nd Kings

It's been a while since I shared about my readings... so I am going to pick just where I left off: 1st and 2nd Kings.

If I had to pick just one word to describe these two books it would be "infuriating". It was really hard for me to get through the books. It's hard to explain why I felt that way. ..well, maybe not that hard. Most likely it was the familiarity I felt with the some of the obnoxious Kings and the people of Israel repeatedly defying God and making excuses every time. How many times can one make the same mistake over and over again? Irritating!

When I stopped to reflect on aspects of my life that followed the same pattern, I realized that I was infuriated with myself. I was getting tired of asking for forgiveness for things I keep doing over and over. I was getting tired of apologizing to my Heavenly Father for things, I should have "under control" by now. (Control? What is control anyway?)

Despite these strong feelings, I could see God working through these flawed people to show me that I AM flawed, and that it's OK. It is OK to be flawed, and confused and broken. It's OK to feel lost and insecure. That's why He is God and I am not. It sounds like the standards are set pretty low, but that's where grace, holiness, sanctification come into play. That's why He sent His only son. I am not going to turn into a perfect person overnight, but I can strive to live a life that is honoring to My Heavenly Father.

One verse that really spoke to me, and that I am hanging on to is from 2 Kings 8:19. After years of rebellion, and rejection of God's teaching to worship Him and Him only, I was finally happy to see the people of Israel get what was coming to them. That was until:

"... for the sake of his servant David, the LORD was not willing to destroy Judah. He had promised to maintain a lamp for David and his descendants forever"

I have read (and experienced) countless stories of God grace and mercy, but this one really got to me. He made a promise and He kept His promise, regardless of how corrupt and defiant David's descendants were. I think of the promises He still makes today, and I am just thankful that He cares more about His promises than my actions.

Maybe 1st and 2nd Kings were not so infuriating after all... maybe a better word would be eye opening.

Thank you, Father

EED

Note: I can't wait to read it again in a while...