Lately, I have been wondering what is keeping me so busy, so occupied, so distracted. I have been wondering if my actions reflected my desire to follow Him and Him alone. Working in ministry has a funny way of making me doubt myself that I am doing what He has called me to do. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I love serving Him and others, but there is still this part of me that says... "what if..."
This song is my wish tonight, as I pray: "Where you go, I'll go, where you stay, I'll stay. I will follow you."
EED
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
Noise
How much noise do I really need to surround myself with? A lot apparently. While I am writing short this post, I have a DVD playing on tv, a tv show playing on my computer, music playing on my Ipod. So much for being focused. What am I trying to leave out? I am not so sure now.. Am I so scared to listen to the outside world that I am willing to let all these distractions be in the way of what could be important lessons? Who knows?
Tonight is Dec, 31 and maybe, just maybe some time after midnight I will unplug everything and start listening again.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
EED,
Tonight is Dec, 31 and maybe, just maybe some time after midnight I will unplug everything and start listening again.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
EED,
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
In progress...
Tonight, I did something I haven't done in a very long time. I cranked the music up and started dancing right in my kitchen. There was no special occasion, I wasn't particularly happy or anything... I just started dancing, and it felt good!
I have been in progress the past few months... Not sure how to explain it, but it has been (and still is) a pretty hard process to go through. Who said that the journey of faith was fun and easy? I think I want a refund! There are times when looking back just doesn't cut it, I still feel so stuck in the present and the current situation and the storms of life; that I can't move. I feel paralyzed and scared. The random dancing tonight was liberating, it was a way for me to feel alive again, to feel like there is a reason behind my sleepless nights.
Anyway, I better try to get some sleep... good night!
EED
I have been in progress the past few months... Not sure how to explain it, but it has been (and still is) a pretty hard process to go through. Who said that the journey of faith was fun and easy? I think I want a refund! There are times when looking back just doesn't cut it, I still feel so stuck in the present and the current situation and the storms of life; that I can't move. I feel paralyzed and scared. The random dancing tonight was liberating, it was a way for me to feel alive again, to feel like there is a reason behind my sleepless nights.
Anyway, I better try to get some sleep... good night!
EED
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
1st and 2nd Kings
It's been a while since I shared about my readings... so I am going to pick just where I left off: 1st and 2nd Kings.
If I had to pick just one word to describe these two books it would be "infuriating". It was really hard for me to get through the books. It's hard to explain why I felt that way. ..well, maybe not that hard. Most likely it was the familiarity I felt with the some of the obnoxious Kings and the people of Israel repeatedly defying God and making excuses every time. How many times can one make the same mistake over and over again? Irritating!
When I stopped to reflect on aspects of my life that followed the same pattern, I realized that I was infuriated with myself. I was getting tired of asking for forgiveness for things I keep doing over and over. I was getting tired of apologizing to my Heavenly Father for things, I should have "under control" by now. (Control? What is control anyway?)
Despite these strong feelings, I could see God working through these flawed people to show me that I AM flawed, and that it's OK. It is OK to be flawed, and confused and broken. It's OK to feel lost and insecure. That's why He is God and I am not. It sounds like the standards are set pretty low, but that's where grace, holiness, sanctification come into play. That's why He sent His only son. I am not going to turn into a perfect person overnight, but I can strive to live a life that is honoring to My Heavenly Father.
One verse that really spoke to me, and that I am hanging on to is from 2 Kings 8:19. After years of rebellion, and rejection of God's teaching to worship Him and Him only, I was finally happy to see the people of Israel get what was coming to them. That was until:
"... for the sake of his servant David, the LORD was not willing to destroy Judah. He had promised to maintain a lamp for David and his descendants forever"
I have read (and experienced) countless stories of God grace and mercy, but this one really got to me. He made a promise and He kept His promise, regardless of how corrupt and defiant David's descendants were. I think of the promises He still makes today, and I am just thankful that He cares more about His promises than my actions.
Maybe 1st and 2nd Kings were not so infuriating after all... maybe a better word would be eye opening.
Thank you, Father
EED
Note: I can't wait to read it again in a while...
If I had to pick just one word to describe these two books it would be "infuriating". It was really hard for me to get through the books. It's hard to explain why I felt that way. ..well, maybe not that hard. Most likely it was the familiarity I felt with the some of the obnoxious Kings and the people of Israel repeatedly defying God and making excuses every time. How many times can one make the same mistake over and over again? Irritating!
When I stopped to reflect on aspects of my life that followed the same pattern, I realized that I was infuriated with myself. I was getting tired of asking for forgiveness for things I keep doing over and over. I was getting tired of apologizing to my Heavenly Father for things, I should have "under control" by now. (Control? What is control anyway?)
Despite these strong feelings, I could see God working through these flawed people to show me that I AM flawed, and that it's OK. It is OK to be flawed, and confused and broken. It's OK to feel lost and insecure. That's why He is God and I am not. It sounds like the standards are set pretty low, but that's where grace, holiness, sanctification come into play. That's why He sent His only son. I am not going to turn into a perfect person overnight, but I can strive to live a life that is honoring to My Heavenly Father.
One verse that really spoke to me, and that I am hanging on to is from 2 Kings 8:19. After years of rebellion, and rejection of God's teaching to worship Him and Him only, I was finally happy to see the people of Israel get what was coming to them. That was until:
"... for the sake of his servant David, the LORD was not willing to destroy Judah. He had promised to maintain a lamp for David and his descendants forever"
I have read (and experienced) countless stories of God grace and mercy, but this one really got to me. He made a promise and He kept His promise, regardless of how corrupt and defiant David's descendants were. I think of the promises He still makes today, and I am just thankful that He cares more about His promises than my actions.
Maybe 1st and 2nd Kings were not so infuriating after all... maybe a better word would be eye opening.
Thank you, Father
EED
Note: I can't wait to read it again in a while...
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Here's to you! (from me)
My life took a tragic turn a few years ago when I returned to Christ on a chilly Sunday morning. My life has been nothing but chaos ever since.
First there was the deafening tug of war in my heart telling me to help somebody. What does that even mean: “help somebody”???? I struggled with questions like these for a while. People have always described me as a “nice person”, but I could already tell that this was way beyond simply being nice: it was about being kind. I had to relearn to be kind, to be kind to:
- the stranger sitting next to me during service (even though I like to concentrate on the message, rather than making small talk),
- to my coworkers (and actually mean it),
- to the person in line in front of me at the grocery store (even though they were paying the cashier with quarters)…
It is so much easier to be kind from afar.
After a few months of these exercises, I felt like it was time to do just a little more. A little being the key words here. I simply was not ready for anything too crazy, or adventurous. So, I naturally ended up in New Orleans, covered in fiberglass from installing insulation (very itchy!), and gutting an abandoned house after a flood. So much for “a little”!
I settled down somewhat since that period of time, gaining a few pounds in the process. I have switched things a little, from just doing stuff to planning instead. I now have more headaches, but less body aches!
If you asked me why I do these things, I would have to answer that it is because the voices in my head tell me to. Well, not really… To me, it is more about the way I felt on that Sunday March morning years ago. I want the people I serve to feel that way. I want the people who read this to feel that way. I want everyone to feel that way! Until then, I’ll keep doing my part, will you?
Here is to more chaos! Hear, hear!
EED
First there was the deafening tug of war in my heart telling me to help somebody. What does that even mean: “help somebody”???? I struggled with questions like these for a while. People have always described me as a “nice person”, but I could already tell that this was way beyond simply being nice: it was about being kind. I had to relearn to be kind, to be kind to:
- the stranger sitting next to me during service (even though I like to concentrate on the message, rather than making small talk),
- to my coworkers (and actually mean it),
- to the person in line in front of me at the grocery store (even though they were paying the cashier with quarters)…
It is so much easier to be kind from afar.
After a few months of these exercises, I felt like it was time to do just a little more. A little being the key words here. I simply was not ready for anything too crazy, or adventurous. So, I naturally ended up in New Orleans, covered in fiberglass from installing insulation (very itchy!), and gutting an abandoned house after a flood. So much for “a little”!
I settled down somewhat since that period of time, gaining a few pounds in the process. I have switched things a little, from just doing stuff to planning instead. I now have more headaches, but less body aches!
If you asked me why I do these things, I would have to answer that it is because the voices in my head tell me to. Well, not really… To me, it is more about the way I felt on that Sunday March morning years ago. I want the people I serve to feel that way. I want the people who read this to feel that way. I want everyone to feel that way! Until then, I’ll keep doing my part, will you?
Here is to more chaos! Hear, hear!
EED
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