Elom reflects on Scott's reflections: Worried?

The question this week was: what am I worried about?
The question should have been: what am I not worried about?

I am worried about my mom, my dad, my little brother, my little sister, my baby brother, my friends, my car, my electric bill, finding my remote control, pursuing my purpose, getting an ulcer from worrying so much.... I used to wake up in the middle of the night, and just lay there, feeling so anxious and worried, with my mind racing faster than Marion Jones (too soon for Marion Jones jokes?)

I remember reading the gospel of Matthew a few months ago, and everywhere I looked, Jesus kept asking me "Why do you have so little faith? Why won't you trust me?" I mentioned in an earlier post that I feel like a different person since I let God take over. Every sense of control I thought I had over my life feels like a giant illusion. It's actually pretty scary, but very liberating at the same time. Worrying about events I can't control feels almost pointless.

Well, only almost... I place all my worries, hopes, dreams and fears in His hands, but sometimes (usually late at night, or when I drive alone for more than 30 minutes), my mind starts asking questions again. "What if...? Then what?" I wish I could stop this cycle, but I also know that once I calm down, I start feeling His peaceful and comforting presence. There really is nothing like it. All I need to do is have faith in Him.

"You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. " Matthew 8: 26

I used to worry so much about what people thought about me. Just yesterday, a friend of mine commented on me "having it all together". By the way, what does it even mean to have it all together? I think it's all part of the illusion... A few months ago, I would have been so happy to hear his comment, but last night, all I said was: "I don't think so, but I try..."

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Why do I blog?

Why not just journal? Well, I do both. Some posts are inspired by my journals... the "creative process" is very different when I blog and when I journal… but, I digress. Back to the main question: "why do I blog?".

I personally love searching for and reading random blogs on the world wide web… Most of them often inspire me, or are just plain funny. I read one the other day, where the writer was sharing a beautiful conversation with God. It sounded like a conversation I had with Him before, and it felt like I had to hear it again from someone's else perspective. It's pretty cool to think that a few people out there stop by this page and get a similar reminder, a chuckle, or are simply distracted for a few minutes.

Blogging has also been very therapeutic. It's a weird/indirect way for me to share my experiences, struggles, worries, questions… I actually can't wait to read these lines in a few months/years and see if I have made any progress. I may take a few steps back, who knows? Well, God does.

Man! I have SO much to learn...

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Memories...

I have been thinking a lot about high school lately... Found this 11 grade picture online. Silly uniforms! I am on the right side...not looking at the camera, of course!
Funny!

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In my America (part 3)

I have been writing this series of poems over the past few years. Parts 1,2 &4 are scattered in different (and lost) journals... I'll keep looking. Here is part 3- written on 4-1-06

In my America, there were dreams that are only half way fulfilled
There are friends who no longer need to be loved, reassured or called
There are fading hopes and dreams, never to resurface again in fear of being crushed

In this America, politics, truth, sex and lies are on the front cover of every magazine
And murders make the 6'o clock news

In my America, there is him
Who needs bigger and better things
Who needs to realize his own dream

In my America, I never want to have to lean on anyone again

In this America, I cry myself to sleep sometimes
I wonder what the next day might bring
Only to wake up to live the same day over and over

Is this America I dreamed of?
I am not sure anymore.
All I know is that pretending might be the only way to survive in this America I have created..

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Odd conversation

Scene: some shop at the mall

Me: "Hum... I don't really like these sandals. You can really see my toes. I don't like my toes... They are so long! Do guys look at toes?"

My brother: "Trust me they don't! Guys are either attracted to you or not. Toes don't really make a difference..."

Me: "Well, what if you were kinda interested in a girl, but you realize that she has really long toes. That would turn you off, right?"

My brother: "If her toes turn me off, it means that I probably wasn't that interested in the first place!"

... Despite this convincing argument, I ended up buying closed toes sandals... Only because they were REALLY cool & comfortable!

EED

Colossians 3:18-21

Rules for Christian Households

" 18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."

These verses puzzled me for weeks, well the first verse more than the others... Submission? Cultural differences and personal bias prevented me from understanding the deeper meaning of these verses. They now make sense on so many different levels... not just in the context of husbands and wives, parents and children; this passage also teaches about obedience as a fundamental part of my walk with the Lord. I had help reaching this conclusion of course, but it really hit me late last night, and everything just seemed to fall into place:

19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,
20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.
Matthew 28:19-2o

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Elom reflects on Scott's reflections: Disappointed?

When I first told my friend PH about this wonderful new church I found, with such wonderful people, and such a wonderful staff… etc, she said:

-“That’s great honey! But, you need to make sure that you are there for the right reasons, and don’t put anyone, especially the church leaders, on a pedestal! I can tell you from personal experience that you will be very disappointed, if you do…”

At first, I thought “Gee! Thanks for the support!” But looking back, I am really glad she said that, because knowing me, I probably would have gone a little overboard, and ended up being really hurt and disappointed over something insignificant. I love my church, and respect everyone there, but I also know that despite all their efforts, they are only human... I talked a bit about trust issues in the last reflections, but I forgot to mention that I have learned to trust completely in the Lord, and here is HIS promise when I do:

“Then you will know that I am the LORD; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.” Isaiah 49:23

It doesn’t say that everything I ask for will be granted if I trust in HIM. If that were the case, I would be happily married to some rich celebrity (ideally Adam Levine from Maroon 5!), or at least have working A/C in my car.... Instead, I think it says that I will not feel disappointed when things don’t turn out as I expect. It's not about systematically rationalizing what happens in my life, it's about trusting the plans God has for me, even through (what I consider) failures. Wow! That actually sounds pretty deep-jk

Again, this is easier said than done. I get disappointed, even when I set low expectations. A few weeks ago, one of my best friends drove down from KY to see her parents, and we made tentative plans to catch up while she was here. I didn’t really have high hopes, because she has three adorable kids, and I know it's hard to make plans when you have so many people involved. I still have to admit that I was really sad when she didn’t call me by the following Monday, which is when she was supposed to drive back home. Things didn’t really turn out the way I wanted that weekend, but it also meant that I was able to go and help out at an outreach event…

Setting lower expectations not only means that I don’t get too disappointed when things don’t work out, it also means that I get great surprises when they do! I know I can make it through any situation, as long as I have God by my side… It's easy for me to forget, but I always try to remember that:

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love HIM.” 1 Corinthians 2:9

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