2011

2011 was quite the strange year for me. I was rather nervous about what the year would bring... and specifically the way it would usher my 30th birthday. That's right, I turned THIRTY last year! Oh heavens, it was hard. Fears, insecurities, questions, anxiety about the past, the present and the future, all made an appearance at one point or another. The rather organized and polished 5 year plan I had created for myself had completely and utterly failed. Single, no kids, no fancy cars, no.... the list went on and on. 

As in any good story though, something changed along the way... I suspect it started with a trip back home in Senegal, where I grew up. It was my first time "home" in about 8 years. Speaking of, what's home really? As a third culture kid, it's really hard for me to answer, but more on that topic another time.

Here is my favorite picture of my 2 week trip: I call it "The point of no return". 

That's the actual name of this door. The picture was taken on Goree island, which was the point of departure for many African slaves captured in the western part of the continent. For most slaves, the door represented the last point hope before leaving the lives they knew behind. There are no step beyond the door, just the ocean, where I always imagined the ships docked and picked up their human "cargo". I have always cried at the point of this tour of the old slave house, but that day I felt numb. I am still not sure what happened that day, but it felt like the beginning of a long and surprisingly rewarding journey. 

I knew I needed to make some dreaded lifestyle changes, and so I did... very...very slowly and...very reluctantly. The past 2-3 years had been filled with just unwise decisions and choices. The bottom line: I just stopped taking of myself. I made small changes: in a work environment, where relaxed clothing was the norm, I stopped wearing T-shirts on weekdays and starting "dressing up" on Sundays. I took swimming lessons. I ran a few 5k races. Small changes, but they made a difference in the way I felt. I traveled more: Chicago, Detroit, DC (one of my favorite cities)... Arizona. (I have ALWAYS wanted to see the Arizona desert, and it was more beautiful than I ever imagined). 

And then, it happened... I turned 30..THIRTY. The point of no return! I celebrated with my family, my birthday with my mother for the first time in years. I celebrated with friends, who love and care for me. I celebrated with strangers, who kept calling me a "youngin". It felt amazing. It felt peaceful. It felt right. Sure some things haven't changed, but what changed mattered in more ways than I could have expected. I can openly admit that I am a sucker for cheesy things, but I never really believed the saying about the journey and destination... good thing there is hope for everyone...

eed

Pain*

*(Sorry for the somewhat mopey tone of this post... but "topic oblige")

A few months ago, my dentist was going through my X- rays and was offering me different options to treat my cavity (on tooth 31). The 2 options were extraction, or root canal. He took another look at my X-ray and said: 

- It looks like you have had a root canal in the past?

- I have????

- Well, yes. Look right here...

- Uh... Um... I guess...

In an attempt to not sound totally clueless, I pretended to remember getting a root canal as a child. The truth is, I did not. I simply forgot about it... The only thing I could remember is intense, and unforgettable pain, which fostered a growing level of fear and anxiety whenever I had to see a dentist.

This incident is a good reflection of how I deal with painful situations... I bury them deep, very deep, only to be let out in the occasional nightmare, or bout of anxiety. Not too healthy, I suppose...

The past few years, have been harder than I care to remember; because I had no place to hide. Returning to Christ meant that along with the good plans He had for me, He had to start a painful work in me to become more like Him. During those years, I had to dig out some painful childhood and young adult experiences that I have affected me more than I care to elaborate (maybe one day....). These events had taken root in my heart, and were planting seeds of doubt and insecurities in many areas of my life. I ran so fast and for so long that I forgot what it felt like to rest. Until, He made me. He made me lie down and one night, He brought it all back. One long September night a  few years ago, I remembered what pain felt like. It hurts. It hurts in a place where you cannot reach and soothe. It hurts in parts of my life I didn't even know mattered. It hurts.

Part of my spiritual growth meant learning to give it ALL back to Him. Not just a little, or the things I could not handle (while keeping a tight reign on what I felt I could control), not some days... nope... ALL of it, ALL the time. I cannot begin to describe how freeing that was. Note, I didn't use the word "easy" but "freeing". I felt free: free to let go, free to breathe, free to move on, free to dream, free to trust, and maybe one day, free to completely forgive. 

I do have a long journey ahead of me, but I am not alone on this journey anymore. I have Him, and His love never fails (1 Cor 13:8).

PS: I picked the extraction, and while the pain of the extraction was short lived, the healing was of course the hardest part. There is another lesson in that.

Is it twenty ten or two thousand and ten...?

...I am not so sure of the difference... What I am sure about, is how exited I am to start this new year. I can already see new challenges to face, new people to meet, new projects to take on! Of course, I look back at where I was at this time last year, and I can't help but think about the changes that have occurred since this January 2009.

I feel less scared, less worried, less intimidated by my circumstances. I feel a new confidence, and assurance that I am the right path. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder how callous my heart is getting. Am I building too many walls around me? I think I am... but I can't remember how to put them down. I can't remember why I put them up in the first place... Well, that's a lie... I do remember. I don't like getting hurt. I don't like opening up. I don't like bothering people. Sigh. Will I ever learn? I will... I am. In the meantime, I will keep walking, because I can, because I know I am the right direction.

Would you tell me if I weren't?

Happy new year!

EED

Precious

I was watching a movie called "Precious" and it made me think about love... The movie takes the main character, named Precious, from a place of pain, despair and hardship to determination, relationships and love... From a life lived with no notion of love, she discovers that healthy relationships can make a difference in someone's life.

The things we do for love... the things we do to be a part of something bigger than ourselves... the things we do to belong. They don't always make sense, they don't always feel right, they are the choices we make.

Love means to put myself out there, love means to make mistakes, love means to admit that I don't have it altogether. Love means to remember that I am precious. Are you?

EED

Life is changing so fast...

I am little nostalgic tonight. Life is changing so fast...

One of my closest friend from high school is getting married in December. She is so happy, and ready to start this new adventure. The funny thing about this, she did not want to get married. Growing up, it was me, Sagal and Eva.... the 3 musketeers! Sagal was the least likely to get married. HAHA. She is getting married in Mali, West Africa, and I will miss her special day.

Another close friend from college just had her first baby a few days ago (read her beautiful and touching birth story on this link). And you guessed it... she did not want to have children. HAHA! She gave birth to a healthy 7lbs,1.3 ounces, 19.4 inches babygirl.

In both cases, they sound so happy about the unexpected turns in their lives. It gives me hope that God's timing is always perfect, that He listens to our plans and gently smiles, knowing that His are for superior.

Congratulations to both of you!

PS: Hijabee if you read this, let me know when would be a good time to come up for an overdue visit.

EED

All fall down

"All fall down" by One Republic.

My new friend

K: I accepted Christ a month ago. I am 18. I am homeless. I don't know where my life would be if I didn't have Christ.

I don't remember being that sad in a very long time. I wept and wept for her. What do you say to that?

All I could hear while she was sharing her testimony was:

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. " Revelations 12:11

EED

Note: a few friends are already trying to help her out. I am going to be spend some more time with her today.

Before and after

For Easter, the church asked people to describe their lives before and after Christ on a piece of cardboard. No sound bites, no embellishment... just a piece of cardboard. I signed up by accident.. but I am glad I did. Here is my before/after story:








Happy Easter!

EED

Scars

Back in my senior year of high school, I fell.

I was running track, focused on the finish line, and the next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor, bleeding. I have played the scene back in my head time and time again, and I still can't figure out what happened. My shoes were perfectly tied, my pants were loose enough, the wind wasn't blowing at all, I wasn't pushed... I fell.

I didn't break anything, but my entire left side was covered in bruises: my left shoulder, my left elbow, my left knee, my left cheek were all covered in blood. It could have been worse, I guess. The point is... I quit running for a few years. Every time I tried to put on running shoes, I would still feel the sting in my left side. I would remember feeling helpless on the floor, while my friends were trying to lift me up and take me to the school nurse. I got over the fear of falling a while back, but it doesn't mean that I forgot about the pain...

The scars eventually disappeared, but the one of my left shoulder remains . I noticed it in the mirror the other day (it's actually barely noticeable unless I point it out). Seeing it made me think about fear, healing and forgiveness. It's sometimes very hard for me to let go of negative feelings that have followed me around for years. They are hard to let go because they feel so familiar, like the scars I used to carry. When I start feeling this way, I try to remember that I ended up running again. The fear is gone...

EED

Something happened- Part 2

A lot has changed since last year.

I have met incredible people, established wonderful friendships, served in my church, community and total strangers in New Orleans, studied His Word, cried, laughed... discovered what the term "church family" means... I don't think I have learned so much about myself in a long time. I have learned about myself mostly by serving others. I joke with my friends and tell them that the voices in my head tell me to be nice to people.

I remember talking about this to my friend SS a few months ago. I was telling him that the scariest part of my transformation wasn't so much what I was doing or what was happening to me, but the fact that I might not have/feel the same fire one day. Instead of lecturing, or encouraging me, he simply said:

-"Well, if it all ends one day, at least it would have been a great experience. Wouldn't you say so?"

Very encouraging! But seriously to answer his question, I would definitely say so... I can't help but be a little pessimistic at times, and question some of my motives when I do an outreach, or serve the poor, or something of that nature. The answer is kind of complex but to summarize it, it would be because of what God has done for me.

Pastor Doug often talks about the three phases of our relationship with God. First there is the honeymoon phase, then confrontation, then reconciliation (I can't remember the exact terms he used...). My honeymoon phase lasted a few days. Before I could really process what had happened to me that Sunday, I was faced with a major decision: getting up or staying down? Following Jesus or the outside world? Depending on my own strength or relying on my Heavenly Father. The choice was fairly easy to make...even though it didn't feel like it at the time. Hindsight REALLY is 20/20.

Some time last week, I bought a ring with the inscription: "Faith + Hope + Love". So far, people have called it my promise- commitment- purity- dorky- nerdy- cool looking ring. To me it really is a reminder of what God has done in my life:

- HE restored my faith
- HE gave me hope
- HE showed me the meaning of true love



It really doesn't matter how long this will last, the bumper stickers are right:

"It's not about the destination, it all about the journey!"

EED

Something happened- Part 1

Something happened a year ago today...

I gave my life back to Christ, and He gladly took it back. By then, I had been going back to church for a while, but I was one of the "back row" people, who according to Pastor Doug cannot be trusted :) I was just content, coming to church on Sunday morning, not talking to anyone, listening to a practical and meaningful message, and go on about my business. That didn't last long, especially after that. My world was turned upside down.

I wrote the following entry in my journal, in an attempt to recreate what happened that day... The message was titled "What to do when you are afraid to roll the dice"; after hearing it, I asked Jesus to show me what to do because I was TERRIFIED to roll the dice. (I edited a few personal sections...)

" OK, let's recreate the scene. I am sitting in the back of the church, another face in the crowd, silently crying, first in my heart, before the tears start rolling on my face. The man sitting next to me grabs his wife's hand and holds it tight. I am obviously making him uncomfortable, but seeing someone being so vulnerable seems to stir up something in him.

Pastor Doug finishes his message, and I think I am going to be fine now. He says, the usual:

-"Grabs your neighbor's hand and let's pray".

I grab the uncomfortable man's hand, and I cry and cry even more. What is happening to me??? Pastor Doug invites anyone who needs prayer to come up and be prayed for. I stand frozen in my seat. Will I go up? I don't know. I could as easily go back to my car, drive home or Yellow Springs, and "process" the message, as I do every Sunday. Instead, I find myself walking against the crowd. I see Joy, and Sarah and Nate. It would be rude not to say hi, so I stop and say hi. They look at me strangely, they can tell something is wrong... I feel like walking back, but I can't. I need to keep going. I am so close.

I finally make it to Pastor Doug. I walk up to him and immediately think "Wow! He is so tall in real life!!!". I tell him how I almost didn't make it to church this morning, but I KNEW I had to be there. He asks me what I need prayer for, and I tell him. He listens, prays for my situation for less than 10 seconds, tells me some things I haven't told anyone, and prays some more. I stop for a second, look at him, say thank you, and quickly leave... I am not sure how to feel. How does he know? What just happened?"

What happened? God was invading my heart is what happened... more on that later... I am bit tired today....

EED

Welcome to the 9th ward...

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words... I have taken a lot of pictures on my current trip to New Orleans, but I could not pick one that can describe what has happened in the 9th ward.

My pictures are not able to describe the helplessness, the emptiness, the devastation... 3 years after Katrina. My pictures are not able to capture the sparks of hope in the midst of the emptiness. There are blocks and blocks of empty houses, deserted parks, vacant lots, and abandoned schools... Suddenly in the middle of the nothingness: volunteers cleaning lots, construction workers on their lunch breaks, strangers from Connecticut on a mission trip to rebuild a pastor's home.

My pictures don't speak a thousand words. They tried to capture the spark in the darkness, the beginning of hope...I am not sure they succeeded.


EED

Happy New Year!

I guess the fact that I wasn't blogging at midnight last night means that I have a life- l0l (right Hijabee?). I was talking to my friend Hijabee last night, and we were reminiscing about the good old days. We talked about how each of the hurts, experiences, and happy moments have shaped who we are today. The conclusion of our conversation was that we were so happy where we are at RIGHT NOW.

We reminisced about our fun New Years' Eve party, from oh so long ago now. We weren't bad people, or anything, we just had different priorities. We were different people. Are there things I would like to change about my past? Sure? Is there any point dwelling on it? Not really? I am happy where I am RIGHT NOW.

2008 was a year of change in my life. Change is always hard, but as I have mentioned a few times, God was with me every step of the way. He guided my steps and made me the person I am this morning. I like this person. Does it mean that I am not asking for more? More blessings, more love, more faith, more boldness, more wisdom, more "stuff"? Nope, it just means that I am happy where I am RIGHT NOW.

I have been singing a lot lately... must been the holiday season... Here is another song I have been singing for the past few days:

"Pony (it's OK)" by Erin McCarley (the newest free download from iTunes...I like free stuff!)

"Go on, go on, go on, the stars are watching,
Just say, just say, just say, what you’re feeling,
You know, you know, you know, you gotta take a bow and do it your way,
It’s okay, ladadadadadadadada, it’s okay, ladadadadadadadada "



EED

This year's resolutions...

December 2008 is fast approaching... time to do a self evaluation of this year's resolutions. I didn't write any goals down, but there were a few things I felt really needed to change this year. These were the top ones:

1- Go to church EVERY Sunday.

Check- I switched to Saturday nights (Saturday night rocks!) and I serve on Sunday mornings. I wasn't planning in being involved with anything at all... being at church was good enough... at least for a while. I have had to miss a few services when I was out of town, but that's about it. I am thinking about slacking off next year :)

2- Heal my broken heart

Check (almost)- Tough one. I started the year pretty well, but it went downhill fairly quickly. I was waiting for someone to set me free, instead of turning to my Heavenly Father. The good news is that God was with me EVERY step of the way. I really don't know what could have happened if He hadn't reached out to me. He picked me up, comforted me, gave me hope and sent some wonderful people in my life. Forever grateful!

3- Exercise 5 days a week

Really dropped the ball on that one. I was doing fairly good until July- August... I have a few decent excuses, but that's all they are... excuses. I am getting back to the gym next week...maybe...

4- Hang on to Ps 138:8

Check- DR cited this verse earlier this year, and I have held on to it ever since. I remember walking out of that service feeling like I could take on the world, as long as I had God by my side. One thing I wasn't able to do from this outline was developing a 5-year plan. I can't even establish a 1-year plan yet. Should I panic and get to it? Probably... I really feel that this year was more about waiting (not the same as inaction) and listening (active listening).

Of course some of the most amazing things that happened to me this year were completely unplanned! God is good!

Next year will be even better!

EED

First steps

I saw my dad's eyes filled with pride when he gave me this picture this past May. My very first steps... I was an early walker. My dad says that I was in such a rush, I just couldn't wait to stand up on my own and start walking. I haven't changed much.

I wonder what I was looking at... My mom (my dad was taking the picture)? A goal? My own finish line? It almost looks like I am pondering or something, probably thinking:

-"Ok, I am up...now what?"

I feel like I have been running rather than walking with Him. I am not racing against anyone, I just find it hard sometimes to slow down. Maybe I am afraid that if I do, I might not have enough energy to keep going. I am not a risk taker, or an impulsive person by any means, that is I take at least 2 days before making any major decisions (just kidding!). Still, I find myself taking risks I never thought I could take, simply because I have faith. I rarely understand why I decide to step out of my comfort zone, but the reasons usually unfold over time.

-"Faith is spelled R-I-S-K"

I keep running because I want to get closer to Him, but also because I like the idea of encouraging others to do the same. I like to imagine that My Father in Heaven was as proud of me, as my earthly father when I took my first steps.

EED

How a single & random act of kindness changed my life

I have mentioned a few times that my story was more a story of reconnection than of conversion. For a long time, I was convinced that I could rely on my strength to do anything, which obviously didn't work very well. There are times/encounters that you intuitively know will change your life. I have wanted to write about one of the important steps of my story of reconnection, but I don't think I can capture the meaning of the encounter that would change my life for the better. I'll give it a try...

Here is how a seemingly insignificant conversation changed the course of my life.

It happened about 2-3 years ago. It was a rather difficult time in my life... the beginning of my quarterlife crisis. I was working at the Cheesecake Factory at the time, where I started as a baker and ended up learning almost everything, but that's not relevant to the story. I was working one afternoon, and it was a relatively quiet shift, which was really unusual for that time of year (late summer). Every one else in the bakery was "phased", meaning that I was the only one working that afternoon.

In comes a customer, and I automatically plaster the usual friendly smile on my face. He notices my accent (I do have a weird accent...) and asks where I am from. I tell him that I am from Africa, and he says that he recently went to Africa, Rwanda to be exact, with his church. He asks me if I think there will ever be a real reconciliation process in Rwanda. I remember thinking "How am I supposed to know?... Man! the things you have to do to get a nice tip!". At the same time, I was really intrigued... Don't get me wrong, I met nice customers once in a while, but this was different. This felt like a deliberate act of kindness. We chit chatted for about 5 minutes and he left. I remember thinking "What!?! No tip for the conversation!!!"- lol. My coworkers and I had ongoing debates on whether to tip cashiers or not. I won't get into the details of the debates, but really he didn't have to tip me.

The entire time this customer and I were talking, I noticed B.S (funny initials- I know...) staring at us, which I thought was rather nosy & rude. After the man left, she ran to my register and said:
-"Do you know who that was?"
-"Hum no... Should I have asked for an autograph?" (Note: I met Kevin Pollack, Mandy Moore and a few local news people while working there-lol)
-"His name is Scott and he is the pastor at the Vineyard!"
-"Hum...okay... so?"
She started telling about her church, and just like that... a seed was planted. I have been looking for B.S at the church, but she must have moved on...

It took me almost a year and a half to set foot at the Vineyard... my excuse.... I didn't know where it was. Anyone who lives in Dayton will find this ludicrous, because the Cheesecake Factory is 5 minutes away from the Vineyard, it's literally down the street! (link to Mapquest) I simply could not get into my brain that Indian Ripple Rd and Dorothy Lane were one and the same. I was lost... REALLY lost. My mom really wanted my sister and I to go back to church, and that's how I remembered hearing about the Vineyard and finally decided to check it out. I attended one service, and I knew I was home.

The really funny thing about this story is that I didn't even recognize Scott. He did the announcements at church every week, led worship sometimes and even gave messages, but I wasn't sure if it was him or not. I simply figured that he must have moved on too. I almost approached him after one service, but decided against it, because I didn't want to sound weird, in case it wasn't him. It wasn't until months later, when I heard a sermon in which he specifically talked about being in Africa that I finally connected the dots.

Funny how God used a 5 minute conversation to make such an impact on my life!

I was mudding the ceiling of Beulah Land Baptist Church in New Orleans a few weeks ago, and I stopped for a minute to call my new friend Peggy over. I had told her my story earlier in the day and I asked her:

- "Do think God knew I would be here today when I met Scott years ago?"

She just smiled, and I smiled back...

I know HE did.

EED

Giving (originally posted on my Myspace account)

You can give so many things away, your time, your money, your energy, your heart, presents, good reviews, tips... For a very long time, I would give thinking that I was doing it unconditionally, but I was always secretly hoping to receive something in return. A compliment, a good review, a simple thank you...

The older I get (-yes, older-), the more I realize that giving REALLY needs to be unconditional- with no strings attached. You may not get the "thank you" you think you deserve, or the pat on the back for your efforts, but that is the essence of giving.

Of course, I do forget that sometimes... I am only human afterall, but everytime I think I did not get enough credit for something I did from the bottom of my heart, I sit back and try to rememeber why I did it in the first place...

EED

$15.97...

...is what I spent on Sunday for:
- 4 pairs of shorts (the current temperature in New Orleans is close to 100 degrees!)
- 4 short sleeved shirts
- 1 pair of comfortable pants (recommended during the insulation process)

The Goodwill store is a wonderful place! I am almost done packing.

We had another meeting on Sunday, and we went over most of the final details. 4 women (including me) are going for the first week. 3 of us were at the meeting and agreed to share a hotel room (55 bucks divided by 3= cheaper than 55 bcuks by myself!). We are also driving down together.

This is the schedule so far:

Saturday, July 26: Meeting at 6:30 AM at the Vineyard.
Drive down to New Orleans: Approx 13 hrs
Sunday: First day of work- Insulation
Monday- Thursday: dry wall/ mud taping/ paint, tile
Friday: drive back to Dayton

I am sad about missing the last segment of the never-ending (jk) emotional roller coaster series, not working with the kids, missing a ministry training class, an outreach event, and the WOW service while I am gone. I am also a little nervous, but I am more exited than anything else! I cant wait to see how God will use me and each one of us during this trip. Plus, it turns out that hanging dry wall MAY not be as difficult as it sounds...

EED

Thank you!

In case I forgot to tell you this recently, Thank you God!

Thank you for NEVER giving up on me, even when I am ready to give up
Thank you for comforting me,
Thank you for the people you have placed in my life,
Thank you for the people you have led out of my life,
Thank you for using me, and challenging me
Thank you for leading me by the hand, even when I try to break (un)free

Thank you God!

EED

How to tell my story?

I missed the first two "Just walk across the room" sessions for different reasons, but I was really glad I went to this one. The theme of this past session was "The Power of Story" or how to share my story with others. The following verse was used as an introduction:

"Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope you have" 1 Peter 3:15B

I am always glad to share my story of hope, but I think it is sometimes hard for people to relate to some of the things I have experienced. I am never sure of where to start, or how to turn my kind of sad story into a story of hope. I am not a big fan of the "Oh! You poor thing..." or the "Oh! Get over it already!" looks on people's faces.

We watched a video which listed the common mistakes people make when sharing their stories:

• long stories ("It all started when I was about 4 years old...")
• fuzzy stories ("I knew I was looking for something, I found that something...")
• superiority stories ("I have always led a righteous life, and I will pray for you to do the same..")
• religionese stories (lengthy discussions on the Kingdom, the rapture, the Tribulation...)
• weird God stories (dreams, visions, prophetic words, healing stories...)

We were invited to share our stories in groups of two and three BEFORE and AFTER watching the video. My story was closer to the weird God story. There are some experiences that I still can't explain, but using a weird God story might be a little unsettling for some people and might actually freak them out... My partner had a long story, which was really fascinating, but I probably would have tuned him out if he was trying to share his story in a different setting.

The point of the exercise was to learn to share my story by following these three simple steps: life before Christ- Christ- and life after Christ. Well, in my case, it is more about a reconnection story, than a conversion story, but the principle is the same. My story needs to brief, but interesting enough to catch the listener's attention, and invite questions.

Still working on it....

EED