In progress...

Tonight, I did something I haven't done in a very long time. I cranked the music up and started dancing right in my kitchen. There was no special occasion, I wasn't particularly happy or anything... I just started dancing, and it felt good!

I have been in progress the past few months... Not sure how to explain it, but it has been (and still is) a pretty hard process to go through. Who said that the journey of faith was fun and easy? I think I want a refund! There are times when looking back just doesn't cut it, I still feel so stuck in the present and the current situation and the storms of life; that I can't move. I feel paralyzed and scared. The random dancing tonight was liberating, it was a way for me to feel alive again, to feel like there is a reason behind my sleepless nights.


Anyway, I better try to get some sleep... good night!

EED

3 things I learned about myself playing the Wiiiii

1) I can be very self conscious.

I know, I know... Isn't everyone?

Even though I was playing with friends, I felt so uncomfortable the first time we played, that I actually stopped and did something else. I tend to intentionally withdraw from situations at times, mostly because I try to anticipate what might happen. Fortunately, I didn't let my self consciousness stop me from having a good time after a little while. I joined everyone and ended up having fun...well kinda... I am starting to realize that there is no such thing as "happily ever after".

Someone gave me an image a few months ago that I really liked. They saw me in front of a big and beautiful flower field. For some reason, I was just standing on the side, not doing anything, until I heard someone say: "Come!!!". I then walked into the field and simply enjoyed it... sounds a lot like me.

2) I sometimes take things WAY too seriously

...which results in me being very frustrated when I can't achieve something. We were all having fun while playing a game of bowling, and for no apparent reason, I just could not throw the ball correctly. There was nothing wrong with the controller, I just started sucking. No one could figure out what I was doing wrong. It was very frustrating. Witnesses say that it was very painful to watch, well, it was painful to be in that position. I was so focused on the game, that I completely forgot about the big picture.

I do that in "real life". It's a vicious cycle, where I want to perform, but get nervous from the pressure, fail because I am so nervous, get frustrated. And back to the beginning. One word: RELAX. I am getting better at catching myself in the act, and listening to people around me.

3) I am persistent

One thing I think I am pretty good at, is taking criticism. I like suggestions, comments, constructive criticism, directions. Well, maybe not from just anyone; there needs to be some sort of relationship established: teacher/student, brother/sister, friend/friend, writer/reader, dragon/grasshopper... It's all about relationships as the bump stickers say. I listen, I grumble, I go back to the drawing board, and come back. Repeat as many times as needed.

I started out with a "mean curve" and other issues, but after hours of non-stop bowling, I ended defeating the house champion even though, I am pretty sure he gracefully let me win... I don't mind! I WON!

EED

I am back!

A group of us came back to Dayton on Sunday morning around midnight. As we were unloading our luggage from Jon's van, a car pulled into the Church parking lot, and the driver asked "Is the first service at 9:00am?" We all looked at each other, and said "Yes". The two people in the car said thank you and left. How strange...

Almost every thing about this trip was strange, and amazing! I have learned a few lessons and met some great people. We would get to the site at 7:00am, have breakfast, and work until 6pm or later, with lunch and dinner breaks of course. I spent most of my time there on either a scaffold, or a scissor lift (or just ladders sometimes), insulating, mudding, taping, sanding ceilings or high walls. I even learned how to operate a scissor lift! My body was covered in fiberglass for 2 days...ouch!

My lessons started as soon as we started driving down to New Orleans. Here is a list of a few of them:

• Lesson: Don't judge people by their appearances, we all have different stories.

I should know this by now, but I am sometimes caught off guard when I meet people who seem to have it all together, only to realize that they also carry their own set of problems. All I could so in most cases was to offer them my undivided attention, but I am always amazed to realize how a few words of encouragement can make a difference in someone's day. I could tell that some people were not used to sharing their problems, but it was as if being stuck in the same car for 15 hrs, working and sweating together made it safe for us to talk freely about our lives.

• Lesson: humility.

We all needed a good dose of humility to survive the week. We all had so many different personalities, but we all tried to remember the reason why we were down there. Of course, it made me feel good when Rick, my partner in crime, started calling me "Boss", but I tried hard not to let it get to my head. I started joking and called him "My best employee ever!". I think we did pretty good overall.

• Lesson: stop when you need to stop. Listen to your body.

I learned that the hard way. We started working on Sunday, and by Wednesday afternoon, my body decided to shut down for the day. It just shut down, and I simply could not do anything! It felt really scary, but my body is not really used to 4 straight days of manual labor under the hot Louisiana sun. I had to take it easy the rest of the afternoon, and came back stronger the next day.

• Lesson: perseverance

Perseverance almost came easy for us because we were working to rebuild His Church, a gathering place for His followers. When we realized that only a very small group was able to come down for the second week, we unanimously decided to stay and work an extra day, some people even stay 2 days! It was really amazing!


I will try to post some pictures later...technical issues with Blogger...

EED

Not my will...

I had my entire weekend planned, to the most insignificant details... And wouldn't you know it, I have been a little sick all week.
Crazy Ohio weather + pollen = headaches + sore throat + dizziness and other fun stuff... at least I don't have a runny nose!
Feeling better today though, but again not my will, but Thy will.

EED

Don't stop

Tornado warning until late tonight.. severe thunderstorm warning all over the Miami Valley...
And there I was, in my car on my way home from a prayer ministry class at church... A voice is telling me,
- "Don't stop. Just keep going forward".
I replied:
-"But, I cannot see anything... I think I should stop by the side of the road and drive later... everybody is doing it..".
But the voice repeats:
-"Keep going, it's okay..."

And so, I did. I kept driving... the further I drove, the calmer the storm got.
I really needed to experience this tonight... I really did. My dream is not dead yet... I will keep driving, because I have to.

EED

Walk this way...

I went to Yellow Springs yesterday and took this picture...It describes the current stage of my life.

Funny thing is, I ended up being lost for 2 hours... I didn't mind though. I had a great time!!!

EED

June 1, 2008

I cannot believe that we are already in the month of June!!! Halfway through 2008! So many good and bad things have happened. The most amazing obviously, has been my return back to Jesus Christ. I decided to completely surrender to Him on March 2, 2008...it's been a great adventure so far!

I am not sure of why it took me so long to get back to Him. It does feel like the "Amazing Grace" song... I hate to think that I was a "wretch", but there are many periods in my life that I am not proud of. Now is not the time to talk about these things, not just yet. Instead, I want to write a list of the good things that have happened to me this past few months. In no particular order:

1. I have lost 35+ since December

2. I run longer and faster on the treadmill (I am still weird about running outdoors, even though I love hiking...)

3. I spend less and less time wondering about what could have been, and I instead focus on the amazing possibilities ahead of me

4. I have been celibate for a long time, but the difference is that I am now choosing celibacy as a lifestyle, rather than a twisted act of faithfulness to someone who does not deserve it

5. I have discovered the meaning of giving unconventionally, giving without wanting anything in return
   

6. I listen to my heart very frequently. We have very long and meaningful conversations

7. I have been called "enthusiastic" more than once, after talking about (or inviting people) serving opportunities.. Actually, you would have to kind of know me to really get this one...
   

8. I finally figured out what turns the crank of my heart (as DR would say)- more on that very soon...

9. I am slowly but surely learning to trust again

So many more amazing things have happened, but it would take me too long to write them down.

EED

2 fun facts about me

These fun facts are kind of embarrassing, but I think they also show what kind of person I am…so here goes:

Fact #1: I sucked my thumb until I was 13 years old!!!

I read somewhere that sucking your thumb is frequent in withdrawn and lonely children. Not sure if that is true or not. I went through phases really. I could be sociable for some period of time, but really shy and quiet sometimes. I like to think that this is true of most people, we all need some quiet time once in a while… in my case, my quiet time could last longer than most people. I had to hide from my friends and family anytime I felt the urge/need to suck my thumb (I am convinced my mom knew, moms always know these things...). I don’t know... it just felt really comforting for some reason. I would suck my thumb and play with my ear at the same time (if you pay close attention to me when I am bored or nervous, you can still catch me playing with my left ear…).
On the eve of my 13^th birthday (we were visiting in Togo that year), I decided that it was time to quit, and become a big girl. I never looked back… By the way, this is why my teeth are kind of crooked, but I don’t mind.

Fact # 2: I learned to ride a bicycle at age 23!!!!

My mom (bless her heart) didn’t think it was appropriate for girls to ride bicycles. So, I never learned as a kid. I would watch with envy as my younger brother would ride his white and yellow bike. As I grew older, I just forgot about it… but one weekend, my ex and I were very bored and I asked him to teach me how to ride a bicycle. I didn’t know what I was in for... there is a reason why it is easier to learn as a kid: you are not scared to let go or fall. At 23, all I could think about was “If I take my feet off the floor, I will break something” or “Why am I going so fast HELP!!!”. I tried my best, but after a couple of hours, I was ready to give up. It was too funny and weird to be covered with bruises at that age… The next weekend, I decided to give it another try, and low and behold, I did it! YAY!
Writing this reminds me that I need to fix the chain on my bike… I would actually love to buy a new one… maybe soon…

EED