Pain*

*(Sorry for the somewhat mopey tone of this post... but "topic oblige")

A few months ago, my dentist was going through my X- rays and was offering me different options to treat my cavity (on tooth 31). The 2 options were extraction, or root canal. He took another look at my X-ray and said: 

- It looks like you have had a root canal in the past?

- I have????

- Well, yes. Look right here...

- Uh... Um... I guess...

In an attempt to not sound totally clueless, I pretended to remember getting a root canal as a child. The truth is, I did not. I simply forgot about it... The only thing I could remember is intense, and unforgettable pain, which fostered a growing level of fear and anxiety whenever I had to see a dentist.

This incident is a good reflection of how I deal with painful situations... I bury them deep, very deep, only to be let out in the occasional nightmare, or bout of anxiety. Not too healthy, I suppose...

The past few years, have been harder than I care to remember; because I had no place to hide. Returning to Christ meant that along with the good plans He had for me, He had to start a painful work in me to become more like Him. During those years, I had to dig out some painful childhood and young adult experiences that I have affected me more than I care to elaborate (maybe one day....). These events had taken root in my heart, and were planting seeds of doubt and insecurities in many areas of my life. I ran so fast and for so long that I forgot what it felt like to rest. Until, He made me. He made me lie down and one night, He brought it all back. One long September night a  few years ago, I remembered what pain felt like. It hurts. It hurts in a place where you cannot reach and soothe. It hurts in parts of my life I didn't even know mattered. It hurts.

Part of my spiritual growth meant learning to give it ALL back to Him. Not just a little, or the things I could not handle (while keeping a tight reign on what I felt I could control), not some days... nope... ALL of it, ALL the time. I cannot begin to describe how freeing that was. Note, I didn't use the word "easy" but "freeing". I felt free: free to let go, free to breathe, free to move on, free to dream, free to trust, and maybe one day, free to completely forgive. 

I do have a long journey ahead of me, but I am not alone on this journey anymore. I have Him, and His love never fails (1 Cor 13:8).

PS: I picked the extraction, and while the pain of the extraction was short lived, the healing was of course the hardest part. There is another lesson in that.

Precious

I was watching a movie called "Precious" and it made me think about love... The movie takes the main character, named Precious, from a place of pain, despair and hardship to determination, relationships and love... From a life lived with no notion of love, she discovers that healthy relationships can make a difference in someone's life.

The things we do for love... the things we do to be a part of something bigger than ourselves... the things we do to belong. They don't always make sense, they don't always feel right, they are the choices we make.

Love means to put myself out there, love means to make mistakes, love means to admit that I don't have it altogether. Love means to remember that I am precious. Are you?

EED

My new friend

K: I accepted Christ a month ago. I am 18. I am homeless. I don't know where my life would be if I didn't have Christ.

I don't remember being that sad in a very long time. I wept and wept for her. What do you say to that?

All I could hear while she was sharing her testimony was:

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. " Revelations 12:11

EED

Note: a few friends are already trying to help her out. I am going to be spend some more time with her today.

Scars

Back in my senior year of high school, I fell.

I was running track, focused on the finish line, and the next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor, bleeding. I have played the scene back in my head time and time again, and I still can't figure out what happened. My shoes were perfectly tied, my pants were loose enough, the wind wasn't blowing at all, I wasn't pushed... I fell.

I didn't break anything, but my entire left side was covered in bruises: my left shoulder, my left elbow, my left knee, my left cheek were all covered in blood. It could have been worse, I guess. The point is... I quit running for a few years. Every time I tried to put on running shoes, I would still feel the sting in my left side. I would remember feeling helpless on the floor, while my friends were trying to lift me up and take me to the school nurse. I got over the fear of falling a while back, but it doesn't mean that I forgot about the pain...

The scars eventually disappeared, but the one of my left shoulder remains . I noticed it in the mirror the other day (it's actually barely noticeable unless I point it out). Seeing it made me think about fear, healing and forgiveness. It's sometimes very hard for me to let go of negative feelings that have followed me around for years. They are hard to let go because they feel so familiar, like the scars I used to carry. When I start feeling this way, I try to remember that I ended up running again. The fear is gone...

EED

Something happened- Part 2

A lot has changed since last year.

I have met incredible people, established wonderful friendships, served in my church, community and total strangers in New Orleans, studied His Word, cried, laughed... discovered what the term "church family" means... I don't think I have learned so much about myself in a long time. I have learned about myself mostly by serving others. I joke with my friends and tell them that the voices in my head tell me to be nice to people.

I remember talking about this to my friend SS a few months ago. I was telling him that the scariest part of my transformation wasn't so much what I was doing or what was happening to me, but the fact that I might not have/feel the same fire one day. Instead of lecturing, or encouraging me, he simply said:

-"Well, if it all ends one day, at least it would have been a great experience. Wouldn't you say so?"

Very encouraging! But seriously to answer his question, I would definitely say so... I can't help but be a little pessimistic at times, and question some of my motives when I do an outreach, or serve the poor, or something of that nature. The answer is kind of complex but to summarize it, it would be because of what God has done for me.

Pastor Doug often talks about the three phases of our relationship with God. First there is the honeymoon phase, then confrontation, then reconciliation (I can't remember the exact terms he used...). My honeymoon phase lasted a few days. Before I could really process what had happened to me that Sunday, I was faced with a major decision: getting up or staying down? Following Jesus or the outside world? Depending on my own strength or relying on my Heavenly Father. The choice was fairly easy to make...even though it didn't feel like it at the time. Hindsight REALLY is 20/20.

Some time last week, I bought a ring with the inscription: "Faith + Hope + Love". So far, people have called it my promise- commitment- purity- dorky- nerdy- cool looking ring. To me it really is a reminder of what God has done in my life:

- HE restored my faith
- HE gave me hope
- HE showed me the meaning of true love



It really doesn't matter how long this will last, the bumper stickers are right:

"It's not about the destination, it all about the journey!"

EED

About: The shack by William P. Young

My new and good friend Peggy recommended "The Shack". She kept saying "Oh, I think I have to go to the shack...". I can see why :)

It was a very interesting book... Some might say that it's a little out there, and I can't deny that it is a little controversial. The overall theme of the book is how God uses our pain to help us grow and trust Him more. The main character, Mack, receives an invitation from God, asking him to come back to a very painful place for him... the shack.

I liked this book, because I think it can speak to every reader in a different way. I think I know how it spoke to Peggy, and I know it will be different for each reader. Mack is surrounded by what he calls the Great Sadness (or in my case, it was the Great Loneliness). It was easy for him to dwell in this state of perpetual sadness, because in a sense that was all he knew. Any attempts to leave the sadness behind seemed vain and after a while it starts to feel like a second nature.

"It is extremely hard to save someone unless they are willing to trust you" p180

A few memorable quotes from the book:

"Sin is its own punishment, devouring you from the inside" p120

"Submission is not about authority, and it is not about obedience, it is all about relationships of love and respect" p145

"Most emotions are responses to perception- what you think is true about a given situation" p197

"Forgiveness is not about forgetting, Mack. It's about letting go of another person's throat" p224

"Sometimes they (tears) are the best words the heart can speak" p228

This book is definitely a good read. Of course, as in any book dealing with theological fiction, "The shack" is not intended to be used (or interpreted) a substitute for His Word. Just some food for thought...

EED

Surreal experience

Interesting week end...

They showed my testimony video at church. I was kind of prepared for it, but not really... I am not sure if it makes sense. I felt uncomfortable being this vulnerable in front of so many people. At the same time, it was VERY liberating to just be able to share what God had done for me during this hard time.

The funny thing is that I wasn't that nervous while shooting the testimony, and most people were commenting on how brave I was. I don't think it has anything to do with bravery. For me, the hardest part WAS to start asking for help... but I knew I had to if I wanted to get better. That is really what I wanted to get across. To quote myself (lol):

"asking for help didn't mean that I was weak, asking for help just meant that I needed help!".

I pray that this video touches at least one person, and that whoever that person is, feels the courage to step out in faith, starts finding comfort in God, and the people HE has placed in his/her life. It doesn't really matter if I know who that person is, I just pray that it helped someone.

Yes, I still have doubts, questions, and difficulties, but I also have God. We all have God!

EED

Who was he?

This is how the parable of the Good Samaritan starts:

"A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead" Luke 10:30

Who was that man? I know that Jesus used the parable of the Good Samaritan to demonstrate what a "good neighbor" would do, but I have always been intrigued by the man lying face down, and half dead on the side of the road. I don’t know much about him… Was he a good man, a bad man? Did he deserve to be saved? Maybe he was running away from Jerusalem to Jericho, because he had done something terrible and needed to escape.

Was he conscious? Was he praying? I like to imagine him as lying there hopeless. If he was a good man, he was probably hopeless because he had lost all his belongings. If he was a bad man, maybe some of the people he knew would say that he only got what he deserved! When he heard footsteps, he started hoping again:

"Yes! My prayers have been answered!”

But the man didn’t stop, whoever that was did not seem to care enough to help someone in need. The man on the side of the road, probably started praying again, but was more careful this time, setting lower expectations, just in case...

Another man walked by…

"Will he stop? Will I get help this time? I am not sure how much longer I can take this..."

The Levite kept walking. Maybe these two people were simply not able to help the stranger. They might have been running late to an important meeting, or they were on their way help someone else! This is only me, as usual, trying to see the best in everyone. Anyway, back to the story. By the time the Good Samaritan walked by, the man on the floor was completely hopeless. He didn’t believe anymore.

"Look what good it did to me the first two times!”

I also see him angry, frustrated and probably thinking:

"I would stop and offer help if I saw someone bleeding on the side of the road!!!"

Would he? Would I? I know that I would probably pass out from seeing so much blood, so I wouldn’t be able to help much… But seriously, I like to think that I would stop and help…especially if I bent down and noticed that this person looked strangely like me.

EED

About: "A Tale of Three Kings: a Study in Brokeness"

I recently finished reading "A tale of Three Kings: a study in brokenness" by Gene Edwards. DR recommended this book during a sermon months ago, but I just now got around to reading it. After the initial "Why didn’t I read this book sooner???" reaction, I started reflecting on a lot of the points the author raised in his book. As suggested in the title, the story is about three Kings: King Saul, King David, and briefly King Absalom.

This book touched on so many issues, that I would have to read it more than once to actually get a deeper understanding of some of the concepts the author discussed. One question that stayed in the back of my mind the entire time I was reading: what is brokenness? The author mentioned throughout the entire book that God uses broken individuals to accomplish His will. When you read about David’s life, brokenness is obviously a little easier to recognize. But what is brokenness in "ordinary people"?

I have always been fascinated by people's conversion stories. As a little girl I loved reading about the life of saints (I am from a catholic background...) while listening to Beethoven- weird combination- A lot of the people I have talked to lately have battled long periods of some sort of dependency before they heard God's voice, and became followers. If there is one thing I feel truly blessed about, is that throughout my "crazy periods"(and trust me, I have done some pretty dumb things), I have never experienced any sort of chemical dependency specifically to drugs. I have been exposed to these kinds of situations, many times, but I know now that God had other plans for me.

I think about what some people I know have been through, yet they found the strength to completely surrender to God and put their lives in His hands. Can you imagine the courage it would take to press forward, coming from such difficult situations? It makes me wonder, “Was I ever broken? Does my story matter?” I know it may sound a little selfish to think this way. But the good news is: “YES! My story matters...all our stories matter!”. Why? Because we all matter to our Heavenly Father. Man, that is such good news!

I am still not sure what brokenness is…I think I have a pretty good idea. I am comforted when I think about God's goodness, kindness and love for each one of us. The entire time I was reading this book, I kept hearing one of my favorite verses of the Bible, written appropriately by King David:

"For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise. " Ps 51: 16-17

EED

[Note: less than 5 hours posting this, I was asked to share my story with others...an actual video testimony... coincidence? a little scary, really...]