*(Sorry for the somewhat mopey tone of this post... but "topic oblige")
A few months ago, my dentist was going through my X- rays and was offering me different options to treat my cavity (on tooth 31). The 2 options were extraction, or root canal. He took another look at my X-ray and said:
- It looks like you have had a root canal in the past?
- I have????
- Well, yes. Look right here...
- Uh... Um... I guess...
In an attempt to not sound totally clueless, I pretended to remember getting a root canal as a child. The truth is, I did not. I simply forgot about it... The only thing I could remember is intense, and unforgettable pain, which fostered a growing level of fear and anxiety whenever I had to see a dentist.
This incident is a good reflection of how I deal with painful situations... I bury them deep, very deep, only to be let out in the occasional nightmare, or bout of anxiety. Not too healthy, I suppose...
The past few years, have been harder than I care to remember; because I had no place to hide. Returning to Christ meant that along with the good plans He had for me, He had to start a painful work in me to become more like Him. During those years, I had to dig out some painful childhood and young adult experiences that I have affected me more than I care to elaborate (maybe one day....). These events had taken root in my heart, and were planting seeds of doubt and insecurities in many areas of my life. I ran so fast and for so long that I forgot what it felt like to rest. Until, He made me. He made me lie down and one night, He brought it all back. One long September night a few years ago, I remembered what pain felt like. It hurts. It hurts in a place where you cannot reach and soothe. It hurts in parts of my life I didn't even know mattered. It hurts.
Part of my spiritual growth meant learning to give it ALL back to Him. Not just a little, or the things I could not handle (while keeping a tight reign on what I felt I could control), not some days... nope... ALL of it, ALL the time. I cannot begin to describe how freeing that was. Note, I didn't use the word "easy" but "freeing". I felt free: free to let go, free to breathe, free to move on, free to dream, free to trust, and maybe one day, free to completely forgive.
I do have a long journey ahead of me, but I am not alone on this journey anymore. I have Him, and His love never fails (1 Cor 13:8).
PS: I picked the extraction, and while the pain of the extraction was short lived, the healing was of course the hardest part. There is another lesson in that.
