The multiple voices of God

I recently watched a very interesting movie called "Conversations with God". I won't really go into the details of the story, but it tells the true story of Neale Donald Walsch, who after years of struggles writes an angry letter to God, and surprise... gets an answer! He learns to hear AND listen to God and starts having daily conversations with Him, which ultimately completely changes his life....

Walsch basically reiterates that God talks to us everyday, it could be through a random song on the radio, or a phone call from a friend we have not heard from in a long time. He says at some point that God uses our own voices to talk to us (you know that little voice in your head saying that you shouldn't eat this piece of pie)… It may be true sometimes, but recently, God has used the voices of people around me to send me several messages.

For instance, HE always uses my mother's voice when I am not sure of a decision I am about to make, especially in my choice of friends. On one of the most painful nights of my life, while I was passed out drunk on my bedroom floor and did not care whether I lived or died, HE used DR's voice to send me a very powerful message of hope. When, weeks later, I was struggling to hear HIS voice, HE used SS's voice to tell me in a dream, "If you really want to hear HIM, simply listen…" HE used some voice I didn't recognize just the other night, telling me to talk to someone I know and give him words of comfort. HE will often use commercials, or even cheesy movie lines (especially late at night) to talk to me. I could go on and on…

With spiritual growth comes the ability to become more and more attentive to God's words to us, regardless of the voice He uses.

EED

2 fun facts about me

These fun facts are kind of embarrassing, but I think they also show what kind of person I am…so here goes:

Fact #1: I sucked my thumb until I was 13 years old!!!

I read somewhere that sucking your thumb is frequent in withdrawn and lonely children. Not sure if that is true or not. I went through phases really. I could be sociable for some period of time, but really shy and quiet sometimes. I like to think that this is true of most people, we all need some quiet time once in a while… in my case, my quiet time could last longer than most people. I had to hide from my friends and family anytime I felt the urge/need to suck my thumb (I am convinced my mom knew, moms always know these things...). I don’t know... it just felt really comforting for some reason. I would suck my thumb and play with my ear at the same time (if you pay close attention to me when I am bored or nervous, you can still catch me playing with my left ear…).
On the eve of my 13^th birthday (we were visiting in Togo that year), I decided that it was time to quit, and become a big girl. I never looked back… By the way, this is why my teeth are kind of crooked, but I don’t mind.

Fact # 2: I learned to ride a bicycle at age 23!!!!

My mom (bless her heart) didn’t think it was appropriate for girls to ride bicycles. So, I never learned as a kid. I would watch with envy as my younger brother would ride his white and yellow bike. As I grew older, I just forgot about it… but one weekend, my ex and I were very bored and I asked him to teach me how to ride a bicycle. I didn’t know what I was in for... there is a reason why it is easier to learn as a kid: you are not scared to let go or fall. At 23, all I could think about was “If I take my feet off the floor, I will break something” or “Why am I going so fast HELP!!!”. I tried my best, but after a couple of hours, I was ready to give up. It was too funny and weird to be covered with bruises at that age… The next weekend, I decided to give it another try, and low and behold, I did it! YAY!
Writing this reminds me that I need to fix the chain on my bike… I would actually love to buy a new one… maybe soon…

EED

Why am I here?

One of the questions I have been asking myself lately, is as suggested in the title: "Why am I here?". Here, in this case, means Dayton, OH... thousands and thousands of miles away from home, with very little hope of ever going back... I feel like every effort I have made to leave this town has been in vain, which is part of the reasons why I have decided to take a step back, and not necessarily think of being in Dayton as a major set back.

I have some wonderful memories here, and I have to admit that I am more of a small town kind of gal. I like New York or Vegas for a week, but I think I would be a little overwhelmed if I ever had to live in one of these cities... maybe DC would work. As this year has gone by (what a year it has been so far!), I am getting more and more convinced that God wanted me to reconnect with Him, here in Dayton, through the Dayton Vineyard. A series of very fortunate events have brought me back to church after years of thinking that I could do it all by myself. I have to say, it was not really working out too well...

Needless to say that now the question is not so much "When am I going to get out of Dayton???", but rather "I wonder what else I can do while I am still in Dayton??"

Thank you God, for not giving up on me.

EED

Hold still

Some of my (kinda cheesy...) poetry...

Hold still

Hold still my heart, hold very still
It will not be too long until you are healed

You have been so hurt; I can see the open wounds

I am sorry about the people who have lied to you
Sorry for the people who have left you
Sorry about the people who do not trust your judgment
Sorry I did not fight more for what you wanted
Sorry you had to keep your dreams on hold for me
Sorry about the scars all these hurts will produce

Trust me though, my heart

These scars are beautiful
These scars represent the chances you have taken
These scars represent the mistakes you will never do again
These scars represent the life lessons you have learned
These scars are my gifts to you

I cannot promise you that I will always have the courage to listen to you
I cannot promise you that I will always do what is best for me and you
I cannot promise you a life without hurt,

I can promise you that I will be more attentive, more understanding and compassionate
I can promise you that I will be more faithful to you
I can promise you that I will fight for your happiness

Hold still my heart, hold very still
It will not be too long until you are healed

EED

Almost got hit by a car

Weird experience yesterday... Now that the weather is nice, I like to walk to the gym instead of driving. I also like to listen to my iPod during my walk. I was at a red light, and the WALK sign came on, and I instinctively started walking toward the other side of the road... something told me to turn around, and there was this car making a left turn, and it stopped less than a hair away from me. I didn't even have time to curse or anything.. (I rarely curse, mainly because I sound REALLY silly when I do..). The guy just kept driving. The worse part was when someone in another car stopped to tell: "Man, that car almost hit you.. you better get off the road". GRRRRRRRRRRRR

Deeper meaning of this experience, always trust your senses... don't always look up to teachers or leaders (the WALK signal) to direct your life. I like to think of spiritual teachers as guides, rather than the supreme authority in my life.

It also means I need to be more careful when crossing the street...

Oh yeah, this happened so fast.. I never had time to see my life flash before my eyes.

EED

Why the eternal student?

There is nothing I enjoy more than learning! I had a blast learning how to make eSpresso drinks, learning and testing the Giffen paradox (only proven case against the law of demand), learning about technical writing during my Model UN experience, learning about the Bible..

I was talking to someone for the first time the other day, and after less than 30 minutes, he said to me: "I get the feeling that you are always in search of something, in perpetual search of knowledge..". I think this is what I want people to remember about me. Does it mean my brain will explode one day from information overload? I like not to think about it. I am not particularly smart, which also means that I kind of know my limitations.

Right now, I am learning about patience... long story, reserved for another blog...

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In the beginning...

We all need to start somewhere. The past few months have been full of reflection, and tough questions. I like to call it my own quaterlife crisis. I feel like I cannot move on, or take another significant step until I know, or have strong feeling that this will be the right thing to do. My life is effectively on hold at this stage... both professionally and personally.

The only area of my life that keeps growing and growing is my spiritual life. Pretty sad and hard to process events have happened to me over the past few months, and I am convinced that God was just using these events to make a comeback in my life. We all have different stories when it comes to returning to Christ. In my case, HE was never too far, HE was in the hallway waiting for me to finally let HIM in. I managed to convince myself that I was alone on this journey, and that no one cared enough to comfort me or tell me that everything would be alright.

I know now that this is not true... there is always someone. There is always a comforting word from a stranger (I was in DC last month, and this guy stopped me and thanked me for smiling at him, because it was the first smile he had seen that day-it was 5PM!!!!) , or a random song on the radio (well, I now play my iPod when I drive... I can't find a radio station I really like..).

Well, over the next few (weeks, months, years???) I will be trying to figure out what is happening to me, and how this will affect the rest of my life. .. All I know is that this the beginning of a beautiful adventure!!

EED